Christmas used to be a magical time of year. It was mine and my dad’s holiday. Everything was decorated and the house always smelt like backing cookies. Then my dad left. I used to stay up late waiting to hear Santa come down the chimney. I had hopes that my dad would come through the door and make everything better. I had hopes that my uncle would return safely from the war in time for Christmas. Then I grew up, and I learned that Santa wasn’t real, that my dad was never coming home, and that my uncle would never be home in time for Christmas and that he wouldn’t return at all. I learned that no matter how much you wish and no matter how nice you are you never get what you want. I guess that’s something that everyone has to learn at some point in their life.
*****
Date: December 22, 2008
Birthday: December 25
Age: 24
The day started like any other December day. I guess I should have known something different would happen this Christmas. It felt different. It felt weird.
“Hey, what are you up to this week?” My best friend, Ami, asked as I walked into the school building. I was a world history teacher and this was the teachers last day before our winter break started, and I couldn’t wait for the day to be over with sooner.
“Grading papers, grading papers, and did I mention grading papers?” I replied as I continued to walk towards my classroom with Ami.
“Come on Jamie, you can’t have that much grading and there’s got to be something else your doing. I know you hate this time of year, but aren’t you going home to see your mom or something? You haven’t seen her in a few years.” Ami and I had been friends since we were in kindergarten and we had been with each other through everything. She knew everything about me and I knew everything about her.
“Nope I am sadly not going back to Maryland to see my drunken mother. I swear sometimes I wish she were the one that left and not my dad.”
“You don’t mean that Jamie, you love your mom.” I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at my best friend.
“You don’t know my mom Jamie you had the perfect family. Your parents are still together and happy. You didn’t have to worry about your mom coming into your room drunk at night to throw up on you or beat you. So, please stop acting like you understand, because you don’t.” I said and started walking to my classroom while Ami stood there stunned.
I got to my classroom, sat down at my desk, and started grading my student’s history papers I had them write before break. Some of my students understood why I was giving them the paper before winter break and some just really hated me for it. My theory was that if I gave them a paper before the break then I wouldn’t have to give them the paper to write over there break. I thought I was being nice, but I guess not.
A few hours later I needed a break from grading the papers so I made my way down to the teachers lounge so I could make copies of some work my students would have to do.
“Jamie, I’m sorry if I upset you earlier I didn’t mean to, but your mom might not have as much time as you think and you might regret not going to see her.” Ami said as I walked into the lounge.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that the hospice just called and your mom went into a coma. I’m sorry.”
“Wow, ok, um, well I guess I should get back to work.” I said as I gathered the warm copies I just made and started back towards my classroom.
“Jamie!” Ami yelled as she ran to catch up to me, “Stop trying to avoid this, your mom is going to die. Go see her.”
I stopped and turned and looked at Ami. I guess she could see right though me because the next thing I knew is that she was hugging me and I was crying on her shoulder.
“Come on, I’ll take you home then to the train station.”
*****
“Miss, your ticket please.” The train attendant said. I looked through my bag till I found it and gave it to him so he could punch the hole in it and put it where ever it went.
I was so confused. I always thought that if my mom got worse that I wouldn’t care, but now that it’s happened, I wish I had been spending more time with her.
Once I got off the train I made my way towards the front entrance where and old family friend was supposed to meet me.
“Jamie? Is that really you?” Mark asked as I walk outside.
“Hey, how are you?” I said as I hugged him.
“I’m good, how are you holding up?”
“Worse than I thought I would. I‘ll be fine, I promise.”
“Ok, well the car is this way.” He said as he took my bag from me and started to walk towards the parking garage. “Do you want me to take you to the house or do you want too go see your mom?”
“I’m not ready to see her yet.”
“Ok, then I’ll take you to the house.” We pulled up in front of an old Victorian house.
“Wait, I thought the house was supposed to be sold?” I said as I looked at him.
“It was supposed to, but no one wanted it because they thought that one day you might come back and want the house. If you don’t want to stay here I can take you back to my house and you can meet Lucy and the kids.”
“No, I’ll stay here, its fine.” I said as I started to get out of the car. “Thank you for picking me up, I really appreciate it.” I said as I stuck my head in the car. Mark held something out in front of me and I took it and looked, it was the keys to the house and a car.
“Sorry but I didn’t get the chance to go to the store and get some groceries, but your mom’s old car is in the garage, so if you want to go get some you can.” I opened my mouth to say something but he cut me off.
“I’ve been coming over at least once a week and taking it for a drive it still works. Your mom really loved that car.”
“It was my dad’s it was the one thing he left behind that my mom loved, we tried to take care of it. Thanks again Mark.”
“No problem.”
I walked inside and looked around nothing had changed since the last time I was here, except the house was completely furnished and looked really nice. Before I left I sold everything and moved to New York so I could start new. I never knew how much I missed this place.
I looked at the time, 6, I decided that I should go to the store and get some things before I went to see my mom or do anything else.
My dad had a blue 1960’s Ford Galaxie Sunliner Convertible. Before my dad left, whenever my mom would start drinking my dad and I would just drive around with the top down, singing to whatever song was on the radio at the time. God, how I missed the old days.
I walked out to the garage and got in the car, started her up and backed out the driveway.
The town was a small one everyone knew everyone unless you were knew in town but than you soon knew everyone else. Most the people I passed would stop me and tell me how much they missed me and how sorry they were about my mom. I would smile and ‘thanks it’s nice to be back’ or something like that. It took me 30 minutes to drive a 5 minute drive to the grocery store.
I got out of the car, got a cart, and started shopping. I was walking down the frozen food section not looking where I was going when I ran into someone.
“Oh, sorry I wasn’t watching where I was going, sorry.” I said as I bent down to help the guy pick up the things he dropped.
“It’s ok.” The guy said as we stood up and as I took that chance to see who I ran into. I never thought I would see him again. My heart rate sped up my palms got really sweaty, and the only thing I could think about was the day we left. He had gone to California and I had gone to New York, we weren’t supposed to see each other again. I guess he was also a reason I never came to visit my mom, I didn’t want the chance that I would see him. “Jamie. Jamie!”
“Zack?” I was dazed.
“What are you doing back here?”
“My mom.”
“Right, my mom told me. How is she? I haven’t had the chance to go see her yet. I just got back today.”
“Um, I haven’t been to see her yet I got here about an hour ago.” There was a silence between us, a very awkward silence.
My mom had always loved Zack, she treated him like her was the son she never had. Zack and I had known each other since first grade, and Ami, Zack, and I had been the popular trio since high school. We were all best friends and we did everything together. Zack and I had done the cliché thing. We fell in love our junior year and we were together till the day we had to go to college. I had been heart broken. I had always imagined that after college we would return home and get back together. It never happened. I came home expecting him to be here and when he wasn’t I went back to New York and started a new life.
“Right, um, well I should go I want to see my mom tonight.” I said as I started to walk around Zack.
“Ok,” Zack mumbled, “Oh wait, Jamie!”
“Yeah?” I asked as I turned to look at him.
“Happy Birthday, I don’t know if I’ll run into you again before Christmas or before you leave.” He smiled at me and I couldn’t help but smile back. He was always able to do that to me, even when I didn’t want to smile at all.
“Thanks, I’ll see you around…maybe”
“Yeah, maybe.” He replied before I walked away.
Zack had broken my heart and yet 7 years later he was still the only guy I thought about that I loved. That I still love.
I took the chance to glance at him over my shoulder and what I saw was something I never thought I would see. Zack had turned his back towards me, his head was down and his shoulders were shaking. I had never seen Zack cry, not even when his dad died. He was always strong and never showed any emotion except for happiness, anger, and jealousy. Most the time that was only in front of Ami and me.
I finished my grocery shopping and made my way out to the car. Once I got all the groceries in the car I got in the driver’s seat and that was when I finally broke out in tears. I thought I would be over him, but I guess it’s harder when you are friends before you are together.
My phone started ringing. I wiped the tears off my face and tried to calm down before I answered the phone.
“Hello.”
“Hello, is this a Ms. Jamie Britton?” A female voice asked.
“Yes, may I ask who this is?”
“Oh yes of course, my name is Abby Gates, I’m a nurse at the hospital. I heard you had returned to town, is that true?”
“Yeah, I was actually just about to drive over and see my mom is something wrong?”
“Well, Ms. Britton I think you should come as soon as you can.”
“What? What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry but your mother has gotten worse, there’s a chance that your mom might not make it through the night. Just try and get here as soon as you can.” I heard the click of the phone as she hung up.
Once I got to the hospital I ran to the registration desk. “Hi, I’m Jamie Britton; my mother is here, Abby Gates called me.”
The nurse at the desk looked up at me and smiled. “Hello Ms. Britton. What’s your mother’s name and what was she brought in for.”
“Carol Britton, I don’t know why she was brought in, she was staying at the retirement home in town.”
The nurse stopped typing looked up with a shocked expression.
“Jamie.” I turned at the sound of my voice and saw Zack and his mom, Isabel Roberts.
“What are you guys doing here?” I asked surprised to see them here.
“They called me as soon as your mother was brought in; I was the one who gave them your number.” Mrs. Roberts answer.
“Jamie, I think you should know something before you go in there.” I looked at Zack a little confused.
“Zack, no, the doctor should tell her.” Mrs. Roberts said before Zack could tell me.
“Mom, I think it would be easier if the news came from someone she knew then from a stranger.” Zack said looking at his mother.
“Please, just tell me what’s going on. No one will and I’m starting to freak out.”
“Jamie, your mom, well she, she’s dead.”
“What? No, your lying, she’s not dead, she just in a coma. He’s lying right?” I asked looking at Mrs. Roberts who just shook her head.
“I’m sorry, Jamie but she’s gone. She had a seizure, she stopped breathing, and then her heart stopped. They tried everything they could to bring her back, but oxygen wasn’t reaching her brain, and she died. I’m so sorry Jamie.”
I looked at him for a minute before I walked into the room I had seen them walk out of. There laid in the bed, tubes and blood everywhere. I stared at her, and before I fell to the ground crying I felt to strong arms wrap around my waist and turn me around. I rested my head on his chest and just cried my eyes out.
I don’t really remember what happened after that. The next thing I remember is waking up in my bed with the smell of food wafting though the open door.
*****
Date: December 23, 2008
I got up from the bed and grabbed my robe that was lying at the end of the bed and made my way down to the kitchen. In front of the stove stood Zack cooking french toast and bacon, he turned and tried to smile at me.
“Hey sleepy head.” He said as he took the last piece of french toast off the pan and put it on a plate with other pieces.
“What are you doing here?” I asked while I walked to the coffee maker and poured myself a cup, and then I walked over to the table and took a seat.
“You don’t remember?” He said as he brought the food over to the table and sat down.
“No.”
“I drove you home after you and my mom made some arrangements for your mom’s funeral and right when I was starting to leave you asked me to stay.” I opened my mouth to say something, “Before you yell at me, I tried to tell you that you didn’t really want me to stay but then you started crying and I didn’t think it was a good idea to leave you here by yourself. So, I’m sorry if you’re mad at me, but I just… I didn’t want you to be alone.”
“I’ve been alone for 7 years; I don’t think another night would have made a difference.” I mumbled to myself.
“What did you say?”
“Nothing.” I got up and started to walk out of the room.
“Jamie, where are you going?”
“Upstairs.”
“Why? Never mind, Jamie you stay eat, I’ll go.”
“No Zack stay, eat you made the food. I’m not going upstairs because you’re here, I’m not hungry, and the smell of the food is making my sick. I’m sorry, but thank you.”
“Jamie, you need to eat.”
“I know and I will but I just can’t not right now.”
“Ok, do you…” Zack never got the chance to finish his question, because the door bell rang.
“Can you get that, I really want to go change.”
“Yeah sure.”
I went upstairs, took a quick shower, and got dressed before I went back downstairs to find Zack and Ami sitting at the table talking over a cup of coffee.
“Tell her.” Ami said. They hadn’t noticed me yet so I hid behind the door so I could here what they were talking about.
“I can’t, she hates me, and she can barely be in the same room as me for more then 5 minutes.”
“How do you know she hates you, have you asked her or something?”
“No.”
“Then don’t assume.”
“Do you really think it would be a good idea if I told her I loved her right after her mom died? Do you think she would actually believe me? I know I wouldn’t.”
“Why wouldn’t you?”
“I would think that she was only telling me because my mom died not because she really felt that way.”
“So are you saying that you’re just going to let her go again?”
“Yes,” Zack said as I heard him get up from the table, “Her life is in New York.”
“And where’s yours? Anywhere you want.”
“Here.”
“What?”
“My life is here.”
I chose this time to finally enter the kitchen. Ami was sitting at the table with her back to me, looking at Zack, and Zack stood at the sink with his back to Ami and me.
“And what?” He turned around saw me and stopped talking. “How long have you been listening?” Ami turned in her seat and looked at me surprised.
“I… um… I just got down here. Ami what are you doing here?”
“Zack called me and told me what happened.”
“What are you doing here though?”
“Did you really think that I wouldn’t be here?” Ami asked as she stood and came over to hug me.
“I’m going to go. I put the food in the oven to keep it warm. Please try to eat something.” Zack said as he put his coat on and started to walk out of the kitchen.
“Zack wait, stay. It could be like old times.” Ami said.
“No I think I should go. I’ll see you tomorrow at the funeral.”
Ami elbowed me in the ribs and gave me a look that said, ‘ask him to stay or you might regret it.’
“Zack wait stay. I really would like you to stay. Ami’s right it could be like old times.” I said before he could walk out the front door.
“Are you sure?” Zack asked.
“Yes.” I replied.
Zack took off his coat and put it back on one of the chairs at the table.
“So what do you guys want to do today?” Ami asked.
“Can we just stay in today? I don’t want to have to deal with everyone saying their sorry about my mom.”
“Yeah, definitely, we’ll stay in.” Zack said.
That’s what we did, we stayed inside and watched movies and played games and just talked. That was it. It was like we were back in high school, only my mom never came in drunk, and Zack and Ami didn’t have to leave at the end of the night.
“Does anyone want the last piece of pizza?” Zack asked.
“No you can have it.” Ami replied.
Ami was lying on the on the couch, Zack was laying on the ground perpendicular to the couch, and I sat looking at them.
“Are you ok Jamie?” Ami asked after she saw the look on my face.
“Yeah.”
“No your not, do you want to talk about it?” Zack said as he sat up and looked me in the eye.
“No, I’m fine I promise.” Zack looked at me with a concerned expression on his face. “Fine, I’m just having a hard time adjusting. There are a lot of things I have to do.”
“Like what? Maybe we can help you.” Ami said as she too sat up on the couch.
“You can’t, its stuff I have to decide on my own.”
“Like what?” Ami asked again.
“I have to decide if I want to sell the house, or if I want to move back here, or I could rent out the house maybe. I have to find my dad and let him know. If I do move back here I have to hope that there’s a job at the school. I have to get used to the fact that I don’t have a mother anymore.”
“You’ve been used to that all your life, and personally I think you should move back here.” Ami said looking down at her hands.
“Why?” Zack and I asked at the same time.
“Well, truthfully, I have to move back, and when we were younger you used to always talk about living here forever. You liked living in a small town where everyone knew everyone. Also when we were in college you always said how much you hated living in the city. Plus, if you moved back here we would have the trio together again.”
“What?” I asked looking at Zack. “I thought you said you were visiting.”
“Well, I am… right now. I’m moving back here. My mom is sick and she said she needs help and I always said I would never put her in a nursing home if I could stop it, and, well, right now I can. So I’ll be back here in about 2 weeks.” Zack said.
“Why are you moving back here?” I asked Ami.
“Well 2 things: one, I told you that I don’t like the city and that I was thinking about moving back here. Two, I met someone.” I opened my mouth to say something, but she cut me off. “About a year ago when I came down to visit my mom I ran into this guy, his name is Ian, and well we talked a lot over the week, and before I left we exchanged numbers and when I got back to New York he called. Every time I come to visit I go see him. I just think it’s time I come back here.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to get upset, and now that you’re thinking about moving back here, well, it just seemed right.”
“Wow, ok then.” I said getting up, grabbing all the dishes and the pizza box, and going into the kitchen. I put the box down on the table and walked over to the sink and started washing the dishes.
“Jamie,” I heard Zack come into the kitchen and sit at the table. “What are you doing?”
“I’m washing the dishes.”
“I see that.”
“Then what do you mean?” I snapped at Zack and turned to look at him. “I’m sorry.”
“What’s going on with you?” Zack asked as he got up from the table and walked over and stood right in front of me.
“Everyone is leaving me.” I said as I looked him straight in the eye.
“No their not.”
“My dad left me.”
“Jamie…”
“My uncle left me.”
“Jamie, he didn’t…”
“You left me.”
“Jamie, please don’t…”
“My mom left me.”
“Jamie, come on…”
“Ami’s leaving me.”
“Jamie, stop. People die it’s what happens, they don’t want to, its not there choice.”
“Ok so that explains my mom and uncle, what about my dad?”
“Jamie, you know he didn’t want to leave you.”
“Then why did he? He could have taken me with him.”
“Do you really mean that? Was staying here that bad for you?”
“No it wasn’t but he shouldn’t have left.”
“Your right he shouldn’t have and I’m sure if he had the choice today he wouldn’t have left you.”
“And Ami?”
“She’s not leaving you. She’s moving on, she’s starting her life. She’s always done everything with you. Now she has a chance to do something on her own, without you.”
“And you?” I whispered and looked down at my hands.
“I… I thought it was for the best.”
“The best for whom? For you? Or for Me?”
“For you. I thought that if you were single you wouldn’t have to worry about anything or anyone. If I had known that you weren’t worried or that you weren’t going to date anyone, I, well, I wouldn’t have broken up with you.”
“So, you didn’t trust me?” I asked looking back up at him.
“No, that’s not it at all; I just didn’t want to hold you back from your life.”
“You wouldn’t have been holding me back.” There was a minute of silence before Zack talked again.
“I never left you.”
“What?”
“I never left you, I never will. I’ll always be here for you to talk to, to yell at, or even just to be there.”
“If you never left, then why didn’t you come back after college?”
“I got my first shooting assignment, and it was over in Scotland, I didn’t want you to have to make a decision.”
“Zack, you know it wouldn’t have been a difficult one, I would have gone with you in a heart beat.”
“I didn’t want you to have to.”
“Fine, can you answer me one question though?”
“Sure.”
“Do you still… do you ever wish that you could go back in time and change anything?”
“No, because if I did, who knows if we would still be the people we are today.”
“Do you still love me?” I asked looking at him.
Zack looked at me but didn’t respond for a few minutes.
“Jamie, are you still mad at me?” Ami asked as she walked into the kitchen. “Did I interrupt something?”
“No.” Zack said looking at me. “I don’t, and you didn’t interrupt anything, we were just done talking. I’m going to go.”
“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.”
“I’ll see you guys at the funeral.”
“Wait, why are you leaving?” Ami asked.
“I haven’t been home all day, so that means my mom’s been alone. I really need to check on her.” Zack said as he put on his coat.
“So, you’re coming back?” Ami asked again.
“No. I’ll see you guys later.” Zack walked to the door and before he walked out her looked back at me, and then he walked out. He walked out of my life yet again.
“What just happened in here?” Ami practically yelled at me.
“Nothing, don’t worry about it.” I said turning back to the dishes and finishing them.
“What did he do?”
“Why do you always accuse him of doing something? How do you know I didn’t do something?”
“Fine, what did you do?”
“I asked him if he still loved me.”
“What did he say?”
“You heard him.”
“No, I didn’t, I came in here and asked if you were mad at me and if I interrupted something and he said no.” I just looked at her then went back to doing the dishes without saying a word. “Oh, wow, I really did interrupt something.”
“No, it’s fine, I needed to know and now I do.”
“You don’t believe him do you?”
“Why shouldn’t I?” I finished the dishes, dried my hands, and turned around to look at Ami.
“Because you don’t just stop loving someone, especially your first love.”
“Well I guess he does.”
“I know you heard more of our conversation this morning.”
“So.”
“That also means I know that you know that he wants to be with you.”
“I didn’t here that part.”
“You didn’t have to. When did you really come down stairs?”
“I came in when you said something like ‘tell her’ “
“So that means you heard when he said ‘do you really think it would be a good idea if I told her I love her’ you heard him. He still loves you.”
“I can’t do anything if he can’t tell me that himself. It just doesn’t work that way.”
“So you’re just going to let him go again.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to fight for something that he obviously won’t, I’m sorry. I’m going up to bed; you can stay in whatever room you want.”
“I think I’m going to go see Ian, I haven’t seen him yet and I want to tell him the good news.”
“What news?”
“That I’m moving back here.”
“Ok, is he going to be at the funeral so I can meet him?”
“Yeah, have you thought about what you’re going to do?”
“Yeah, I’m going to rent the house out to tourists.”
“Why?”
“Because there’s nothing for me here.”
“Then why not just sell the house?”
“I don’t want to get rid of it, it’s the house I grew up in, its home, and it always will be.”
“Ok, you’ll come visit me though right?”
“Of course I will.”
“I’m sorry this hasn’t been a very good Christmas.”
“Its ok, I’m used to it, I never get a good Christmas.”
“Maybe one day you will.”
“Yeah, maybe one day.”
*****
Date: December 24, 2008
I woke up that morning and looked out the window. A white Christmas in Maryland. At least some people would be having a nice, warm, happy Christmas.
I spent the whole day home inside wallowing in my own self pity.
An hour and a half before the funeral I walked into the bathroom and took a nice, hot, long shower. When I got out I put on some sweats while I curled my hair and put on my make-up. When I finished my make-up I checked the time, 5:30, I had ten minutes before I needed to leave for the church. I changed into a simple black dress.
I had decided on an evening ceremony. I figured it was Christmas Eve, how many people would want to go to a funeral on the night of Christmas Eve. I didn’t want to deal with people telling me how sorry they were about my mom. Boy was I wrong. I got to the church 10 minutes before the ceremony and half the church was already full. I walked to the front pew where I was supposed to sit. Sitting there to help me through this was Ami, Zack, his mom, and some guy that I assumed was Ian. I tried to give them a half smile as I sat down.
The priest that I asked to conduct the ceremony had asked me to say a few words at the start of the ceremony. When the priest came in he looked at me and smiled, signaling me to the podium. I stood and walked to the podium with my head down. When I looked out at the church my breath caught in the throat. The church was completely full, not a single seat left.
“Wow, I really didn’t think all of you would show up.” I said looking out at everyone, there were a few laughs and almost everyone smiled. “To be truthful with all of you, I didn’t know my mom was liked this much. I know my mom was a good person before everything happened, but, now, I never would have thought of a turn out like this. Then again, I didn’t really know my mom towards the end, did I?” I laughed a little before I continued. “I’m sure a lot of you have heard the saying ‘you don’t know what you have till it’s gone.’ Well it’s very true. I always thought that my mom was one of the worst people you would ever meet, and that I wouldn’t care if she died, or left, but seeing all of you here right now, I know my mother wasn’t horrible, and now that she’s gone, I don’t know what I’m going to do without her.” I looked down at my hands and started crying. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that you should never take what you want for granted. Everything you have, you have it for a reason, even if you don’t believe that. So if you had a fight with a loved one, forgive them, it’s that time of year right, it’s the time for forgiveness. If you don’t, you never know if it’s too late, they might not be here tomorrow. I know I always thought I would have more time. I guess I didn’t.” I paused at looked at everyone sitting in the church. “Thanks for coming.” I said and walked back to the pew and sat next to Ami and Mrs. Roberts.
The ceremony ended maybe a half an hour later. I stood and walked to the front of the church with Ami and Ian on my one side and Mrs. Roberts and Zack on the other. As people left the church they would walk by and say different variations of ‘I’m sorry for your lose’ or ‘if you need anything don’t hesitate to ask.’
“Your mother was a good person at the end. She was helping everyone she could. She would even talk at the high school about her illness and how drinking really hurt her, physically, mentally, and emotionally. She talked about how her drinking caused her to loose you. I’m sure your mother was sorry for everything she did.” Ms. Edwards said. She and my mom had been roommates at the nursing home.
“Thanks, that’s nice to know.”
“Everyone is having a memorial at town hall, if you want to come.” Mrs. Roberts told me after everyone had left.
“I think I’m just going to go home. Tell everyone I’m sorry and thank you, please.”
“Alright dear.” Mrs. Roberts said as she and Zack left the church.
“Jamie, are you going to be ok, or do you want me to go home with you.” Ami asked.
“No, you go out. It’s Christmas Eve. Go have fun with Ian.” I smiled at them.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, go, have fun.”
Once they left and the church was empty I looked around at the empty church and realized how big it was. The church had exactly enough seats to fit our entire town. Our town that consisted of 1,500 people and everyone of those 1,500 people were here to night to say goodbye to my mother. I sat down on the pew in front of me and started to cry.
“Jamie?”
I heard a voice ask from the back of the church. I wiped the tears from my face before I answered. “Yes?”
“Jamie?”
“Yes?” I said a little bit louder.
“Can you turn around and look at your father.”
I stood up and turned around and looked at the man that claimed to be my father. “Dad?”
“Yeah, honey it’s me.”
“What are you doing here?” I asked as I looked at him surprised.
“Your mother’s funeral.”
“But why? You have a new family. Why did you choose now to come back?”
“Because you’re right, we don’t know how much time we have to try and fix things that we’ve messed up in the past. Before I die I want to know that I at least tried to fix things. Even if I can’t”
“I can’t do this, not know anyway, not after I just lost my mother. I can’t, I just can’t” I said, and then walked past him and out of the church. Instead of going to the car and driving home I decided to walk home. I took off my heals and put on my coat and started my walk.
“Jamie?” I heard a male voice ahead of me sitting on a bench.
“Zack?”
“Yeah, what are you doing?”
“Walking home.” I didn’t bother to stop and have a conversation with him; instead I continued to walk home.
“I got that,” Zack got up from the bench and walked next to me, “What I don’t get is why you are walking home bare foot when you drove to the church.”
“I felt like walking and my feet hurt from standing in heals all night. So I took them off.”
“Ok.” There was a moment of silence before I broke it.
“Why are you walking with me?”
“I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“It’s a 10 minute walk and it’s a small town where everyone knows everyone do you really think something would happen?”
“Do you hate me that much?”
“What? Where did that come from?”
“You used to never mind if I walked you home, now you do. So, do you hate me that much that I can’t walk you home?” I stopped walking and looked at him, when he finally stopped he turned and looked at me.
“Do you think I could ever hate you?”
“I don’t know anymore.”
“I could never hate you Zack, but I can be mad at you, and right now I’m mad, at you, at my dad, at my mom, and I’m a little upset. I just want to be alone right now ok?”
“Fine, but I’m always here for you to talk to.”
“Thanks, Zack for being there.”
“I always will be.”
*****
Date: December 25, 2008 (my 25th birthday)
I woke up at 9 o’clock that morning and decided to go for a run. I ran around the whole town as fast as I could and ended up at the church. I looked up at the large building and remembered when I first met Zack.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna. Can’t I stay home with gamma? I don’t wanna go to church.”
“Come on honey. Please be good for mommy and daddy.” My mother said as we walked into the church.
“Jamie, sweetheart, you could meet some of your class mates if you come in with us.” My father said trying to encourage me to go into the church with them.
“Really?” I asked getting excited to meet more people.
“Yes, but only if your good.” My mother said.
“Ok.” I said taking my parents hands and walking inside.
We sat down in one of the pews in the middle of the church next to a women and man and there son.
“Hey, Isabel, how are you?” My dad asked once he sat down.
“I’m good, how are you?” Mrs. Roberts asked.
“I’m fine, is your Zack with you?”
“Yes he is, took us awhile to get him to come in but he’s here.”
“Do you think that Zack and Jamie could sit next to each other? That’s how we got Jamie to come in. We told her she could meet some of her new classmates.” My father asked.
“Oh that’s such a good idea.” Mrs. Roberts said. She moved Zack so he was sitting next to me and I smiled at him.
“Hi, I’m Jamie. Who are you?”
“My name is Zack.”
“How old are you?”
“5, how old are you?”
“I’m 5 too!” Zack practically yelled.
“Shhh. There’s no yelling in church.” Zack’s mom reprimanded.
“Sorry.” Zack whispered.
“What’s your favorite color?” I asked.
“Green, what’s yours?”
“Green.” I said getting excited again.
After that we were inseparable. I know it doesn’t seem like much but when your five the slightest thing makes you best friends.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out my keys and walked to the car and drove back to the house. Once I got there I decided I wanted to go home so I went inside and packed all of my stuff and put it in the car and drove home.
As I passed drove though the town I smiled at all the memories passing through my head and hoped that next year when I was back here visiting Ami, that things would be different and that I would have a happy Christmas and birthday.
*****
Date: December 24, 2009
Age: 25 (a day before I turn 26)
I drove down the road towards my old house. It was decorated. Lights on the roof, on the bushes, on the trees. Little lit up reindeer and a Santa Claus. I laughed. Of course Ami would and Ian would do something like this.
It had been a year since I had last been here. A year since I had seen my dad, a year since my mother’s death, a year since I had talked to most people here, a year since I had last seen or spoken to Zack. The last I had heard is that he was seeing someone and they were pretty serious. This year though I had more than one reason to be visiting. One, Ami wanted me to visit her this time, and two she and Ian were getting married. I guess I was getting what I wished for: a happy Christmas and birthday after all.
I walked up to the front door and walked in. The inside of the house was decorated more than the outside. When I flipped the switch to turn on the lights all the Christmas lights and decorations turned on instead. I guess Ami and Ian wanted me to be in a good mood before the rehearsal. So far, I was in a great mood.
I walked upstairs and unpacked my stuff before I started to get ready to go to Ami’s. I took a shower, curled my hair, put on make-up, and decided to wear a pale green dress. When I was ready I went downstairs turned of all the lights, and drove to Ami’s.
*****
“I can’t believe you invited him!” I whisper- shouted at Ami.
“Well I’m sorry. I’m not going to un-invite him just because you two had a fight last year. I’m still friends with him. So it Ian for that matter. He’s the best man. Get over it.” Ami responded.
Ami walked out of the kitchen over to Ian and smiled at him. I walked over to the entrance of the kitchen and leaned against the door way looking at the four of them talking and laughing. I guess it was time to face the music and get over it like Ami said. I put on a smile and walked out into the room and over to Ami, Ian, Zack, and Mrs. Roberts.
“Oh Jamie, it’s so nice to see you again.” Mrs. Roberts said pulling me into a hug.
“It’s nice to see you too.” I said smiling at her.
“I was a little upset that you didn’t say goodbye before you left. It was like you were trying to sneak away again.” She said.
“Mom, let’s not bring that up. Wait, again?” Zack asked. I looked down at the ground and didn’t respond.
“Oh, yes, once you guys had graduated from college Ami and Jamie came home and Jamie stayed for maybe a week before she left without saying goodbye to anyone. Her mother was so depressed.” Mrs. Roberts said.
“Yep, that’s me the run away.” I smiled and walked back into the kitchen.
“Jamie. You can’t keep walking away.” Ami said.
“It wasn’t a good idea.”
“What wasn’t?”
“Me, coming back here, I shouldn’t have. I think, after the ceremony tomorrow I’m going to go back to New York.”
“What? No. Jamie you have to be there.”
“I will be there. I just I can’t stay here. It’s not me anymore.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m not the same person everyone thinks I am. I’ve changed. I just need to move on. I’ve been wishing for so long that I would come back here and Zack would be here waiting for me and that my dad and mom would be back together again.” I paused and turned around to look out the window above the sink, and looked out at the stars. “I’ve been wishing for so long, I need to grow up and stop wishing. I’m not in high school anymore, I’m turning 26 tomorrow.” I stopped and turned to look at Ami, “I’m sorry Ami, I’ll be at the ceremony and I’ll be the perfect maid of honor, but when the reception starts I’ll be on the road back to New York.”
“Jamie.” Ami whispered near tears, behind her Ian and Zack looked over and started to walk towards us.
“I think I better go.” I said walking over to Ami and hugging her. When I pulled away we were both crying.
“Jamie, wait no don’t go please.” Ami begged, Zack and Ian were both in the kitchen now, very confused.
“What do I have keeping me here? I promise I’ll be there tomorrow and I’ll try harder to visit. I have too many bad memories back here. It hurts. It hurts a lot being back here. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t put on that fake smile and act like everything is ok. I’m so sorry Ami, I am so so sorry.”
“Jamie please don’t do this don’t leave, or you’ll be right. You will be the run away.” Ami said still crying.
“I can’t change who I am.” I said wiping the tears from my eyes and turning and walking out of the kitchen.
“Zack, do something, tell her the truth.” Ami said.
“I can’t.” He said and walked out the back door to get some fresh air. He saw Jamie drive down the road towards her house, and realized he probably lost the best thing he would ever have in his life.
*****
Date: December 25, 2009 (my 26th birthday and the day of Ami’s wedding)
I got up the next morning at 8 o’clock, took a shower, put on some sweats and packed all of my stuff up and put it in the car. When the car was parked and the house was locked up I got in the car and drove to Ami’s house where her mom was going to do our hair and her aunt was going to do our make-up before we went to the church to get dressed for the wedding.
We got to the church an hour before the ceremony was to start. I got dressed quickly and went out to the front door to greet people. Like the maid of honor was supposed to do with the other bride’s. I smiled when I saw Lucy, and Laura, Ami’s bride’s maids.
“Oh my gosh, Jamie is that really you? I haven’t seen you in what almost 8 years.” Laura squealed and gave me a hug.
“Yep about that long.” I smiled and hugged both of the girls.
“Oh my gosh.” Laura whispered, “Zack is like ten time hotter than he was in high school. Are you two together?” She asked.
“No.” I smiled and looked back a Zack who was talking with Ami’s grandmother. He looked great in his tuxedo.
10 minutes before the ceremony was supposed to start Julie, Laura, and I went back into the backroom of the church where Ami was getting ready.
“Jamie, can you go check and make sure the guys are ready?” Ami’s mother asked me.
“Sure.” I hesitated before I left the room and went next door and knocked before I entered.
“Hey, Jamie!” Ian said excitedly.
“You excited?” I laughed as I walked over and straightened his bow tie.
“More than I ever thought I would be.” He smiled. The door opened and in walked Mark, Luck and Zack, Ian’s groom’s men.
“Ok well I just came to make sure you guys were ready. Ami’s mom is having a fit.” I said and looked over the guys to make sure everything was looking good. The only problem I saw was that all of their bow ties were lopsided. “What is it with guys and their bow ties being lopsided?” I asked as I started to straighten them out.
“It’s because we like it when a girl comes up to fix them.” Luck said smiling at me in a really creepy way. I gave him a disgusted looked before I moved to fix Mark’s bow tie.
“Ignore him, he can be perverted sometimes.” Mark said. I smiled a little than moved to fix Zack’s tie. My smile faded and I tried my hardest not to show any emotion. When I stepped away from him I let out the breath I didn’t even know I was holding.
“Ok, well you guys look good and the ceremony should start any minute now so Ian, get out there.” I said and watched all of them file out of the room and Ian continue to the alter. I walked back into the back room and smiled as everyone moved away from Ami and she turned and smiled at me.
“Is it time?” She asked.
“Yes, Ian is at the alter and the guys are outside waiting for us.” I replied.
“Ok than let’s get this show on the road.” Laura said.
We all walked out of the room and got in line. Kelsey and James, the flower girl and ring barer first, then Lucy and Mark, then Luck and Laura, then Zack and I. Once all of us got to the front of the church the wedding march started and Ami and her dad started down the aisle. Everyone stood and looked at Ami, I took this chance to look at Ian and see the look on his face as he watched Ami come down the aisle. I smiled when I saw how happy he was.
The ceremony went extremely well, no problems what so ever and when it came time for the vows everyone in the church was in tears.
“I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride.” The priest said and Ian kissed Ami with all the passion in the world.
They ran up the aisle and the wedding party followed. I walked to my car and got a pair of jeans and a long sleeve shirt out for me to change into before I hit the road.
When I walked out of the church in my jeans everyone was getting in their cars and driving to the reception hall. I smiled at all the pieces of confetti on the ground that everyone had thrown. I got in my car and drove to the reception hall. I wanted to say goodbye this time.
“It is my proud honor to introduce you all for the first time to Mr. and Mrs. Ian Waters.” The lead singer of the band announced. Everyone clapped as they walked in hand in hand. I stood in the back of the room smiling and clapping.
I walked over to Ami and Ian after they had there first dance has husband and wife.
“Jamie you came.” Ami screamed hugging me. When she pulled away she saw what I was wearing and frowned. “At least you came to say good bye this time.”
“I’m sorry again, you should be happy this is your lucky day. I just wanted to say goodbye this time. I’ll be back for at least a week over the summer. I promise.” I smiled and gave Ami a hug then Ian.
“Take care of your self.” Ian said.
“I will.” I said
“Jamie!” Ami stopped me. “Happy Birthday!”
“Thanks.” I smiled and walked over to Mrs. Roberts who was talking to Mark, Lucy, and Zack. 4 birds with one stone.
“Jamie! What are you doing wearing a pair of jeans! You should be wearing your dress.” Mrs. Roberts reprimanded me.
“I’m not staying.” I said.
“What you have to you are the maid of honor. You have to give a speech.” Mrs. Roberts told me.
“I’m not going to. I just wanted to come say goodbye before I left. I’ll be back over summer break.” I half smiled at the old woman.
“Alright, but promise you will come visit more often.” Mrs. Roberts said giving me a hug.
“I will. I’ll see you around ok.” I said to Mark and Lucy.
“Of course.” Mark said and gave me a hug.
“Be careful driving home. I hear it’s snowing up in New York.” Lucy told me giving me a hug.
“It’s always snowing in New York.” I laughed.
“Happy Birthday.” Zack said.
“Thanks.” I said to him. We kept eye contact for a few minutes before I spoke again. “I should go. I’ll see you all around.”
“Happy Birthday Jamie.” Everyone in the room shouted once I got to the door. I turned around and shared a teary smile with everyone. I waved and walked out of the room.
*****
Date: January 25, 2010
“Ok, class!” I said trying to quiet everyone down. The school had asked me to be one of the freshmen English teachers this year. I had accepted quickly. It was what I had always dreamt of being. “Class please.” I said trying to make another attempt at getting them quiet. A student raised their hand. “Yes Elaina?” I asked.
“I was on the internet the other day looking at one of my favorite photographers, and well I was reading his biography and he went to the same high school as you and I was wondering if you knew him?” Elaina asked.
“What’s his name?” I responded.
“Zack Roberts.” She said.
“Yes I knew him.”
“Did you date him or something?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Well, there was a picture of you and him on his website.”
“Not that it’s your concern but yes we did date. Now let’s get on the topic of English. Everyone get the literature books and read The Cask of Amontillado quietly please.” I walked over to my desk and got on to Zack’s official website to see what picture Elaina was talking about.
When Zack and I were in high school and he first really got in to photography I would let him take pictures of me doing crazy things like running around the park or dancing with my invisible prince or singing into a hairbrush like it was a microphone. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t one of those. He would never actually let me see the photographs he took of me so I also just wanted to see them.
When I got to the website I went to his photographs and the first one was a picture of me at Ami’s wedding. I was standing at the back of the reception hall smiling. I assumed that is was taken of me when I was watching Ami and Ian dance. I scrolled down some more and I stopped at a picture of me. I was wearing a summer dress twirling around looking up a the sky with my eyes closed, my arms opened, smiling. I looked so peaceful and graceful. I continued to scroll down until I found a picture of me with Zack.
I remembered when he took the picture. He had come over to my house with his brand new digital camera and begged me to let him take a picture and I said no, unless he got in the picture with me. So he set up his tripod and camera and put the timer on and pulled me up of the couch and started dancing with me. I was smiling up at him and he was smiling down at me. I had never seen the picture. I smiled at it and there was a knock at the door.
I couldn’t see the door from where I was sitting so I stood up and walked over to the door. One of my students had already let the person into the classroom.
“Zack? What are you doing here?”
“Trying to fix something that I broke.” He said looking at me. I heard a murmur come from my students of ‘who is he?’ and I heard Elaina go ‘oh my gosh, oh my gosh’.
“What would that be?” I asked.
“Two hearts.” He said it so simply I almost didn’t get it.
“How exactly do you expect to fix them?” I asked taking a step towards him.
“I hadn’t really thought that far ahead. You see I didn’t know if one of the people would really talk to me.”
He said taking a step towards me with every word he said until he was right in front of me.
“Well do you have any ideas now that you know.”
“Just one.” He said.
“What is it?” I asked looking up at him.
“This.” He said then kissed me. His arms snaked around my waist and he pulled me as close to him as I could get. I hesitated before I responded by kissing him back and putting my arms around his neck, one of my hands moving up into his hair. When he pulled away I looked him in the eye almost forgetting about my class until the bell rang. I pulled out of his grasp and dismissed the class. Once the class was out the door I turned around and looked at Zack. “Did it by any chance work?” He asked, worry written all over his face.
“I don’t know.” I said honestly. While the class had left the room I had started to put the literature books away and was now on the other side of the room from him.
“Do you know how I can possibly fix this?” He asked, I could see the desperation in his face.
“Tell me how you really feel.” I said.
“I love you, I always have and I always will. That is never going to change.” He said walking towards me.
“Why did you tell me you didn’t then?” I asked a little hurt.
“I didn’t want you to think that I was only telling you because of your mother died.” He answered.
“Why didn’t you tell me when I was in town this past Christmas?”
“I was going to, but then you decided you couldn’t stay in town and well I can’t really leave right now, not with my mom as sick as she is.”
“What changed your mind?”
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you, and I didn’t want to live my life with regret, wishing I did something when I could have.” He said standing right in front of me.
I nodded my head and looked up at him. “I love you too.” I said before I kissed him.
*****
Christmas time was a magical time of year when I was a little girl. When my dad was still around, before my mom started drinking, before my uncle left for the war. When I was still at home with Ami and Zack. Now Christmas is… still a magical time of year. Ami and Ian are happily married with a baby on the way, and Zack and I are living happily back at home with his mom. Living day to day, because you never know if that next day you are going to still be living on this earth, you never know when your time is up.
So, live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human
*****
Date: December 22, 2008
Birthday: December 25
Age: 24
The day started like any other December day. I guess I should have known something different would happen this Christmas. It felt different. It felt weird.
“Hey, what are you up to this week?” My best friend, Ami, asked as I walked into the school building. I was a world history teacher and this was the teachers last day before our winter break started, and I couldn’t wait for the day to be over with sooner.
“Grading papers, grading papers, and did I mention grading papers?” I replied as I continued to walk towards my classroom with Ami.
“Come on Jamie, you can’t have that much grading and there’s got to be something else your doing. I know you hate this time of year, but aren’t you going home to see your mom or something? You haven’t seen her in a few years.” Ami and I had been friends since we were in kindergarten and we had been with each other through everything. She knew everything about me and I knew everything about her.
“Nope I am sadly not going back to Maryland to see my drunken mother. I swear sometimes I wish she were the one that left and not my dad.”
“You don’t mean that Jamie, you love your mom.” I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at my best friend.
“You don’t know my mom Jamie you had the perfect family. Your parents are still together and happy. You didn’t have to worry about your mom coming into your room drunk at night to throw up on you or beat you. So, please stop acting like you understand, because you don’t.” I said and started walking to my classroom while Ami stood there stunned.
I got to my classroom, sat down at my desk, and started grading my student’s history papers I had them write before break. Some of my students understood why I was giving them the paper before winter break and some just really hated me for it. My theory was that if I gave them a paper before the break then I wouldn’t have to give them the paper to write over there break. I thought I was being nice, but I guess not.
A few hours later I needed a break from grading the papers so I made my way down to the teachers lounge so I could make copies of some work my students would have to do.
“Jamie, I’m sorry if I upset you earlier I didn’t mean to, but your mom might not have as much time as you think and you might regret not going to see her.” Ami said as I walked into the lounge.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that the hospice just called and your mom went into a coma. I’m sorry.”
“Wow, ok, um, well I guess I should get back to work.” I said as I gathered the warm copies I just made and started back towards my classroom.
“Jamie!” Ami yelled as she ran to catch up to me, “Stop trying to avoid this, your mom is going to die. Go see her.”
I stopped and turned and looked at Ami. I guess she could see right though me because the next thing I knew is that she was hugging me and I was crying on her shoulder.
“Come on, I’ll take you home then to the train station.”
*****
“Miss, your ticket please.” The train attendant said. I looked through my bag till I found it and gave it to him so he could punch the hole in it and put it where ever it went.
I was so confused. I always thought that if my mom got worse that I wouldn’t care, but now that it’s happened, I wish I had been spending more time with her.
Once I got off the train I made my way towards the front entrance where and old family friend was supposed to meet me.
“Jamie? Is that really you?” Mark asked as I walk outside.
“Hey, how are you?” I said as I hugged him.
“I’m good, how are you holding up?”
“Worse than I thought I would. I‘ll be fine, I promise.”
“Ok, well the car is this way.” He said as he took my bag from me and started to walk towards the parking garage. “Do you want me to take you to the house or do you want too go see your mom?”
“I’m not ready to see her yet.”
“Ok, then I’ll take you to the house.” We pulled up in front of an old Victorian house.
“Wait, I thought the house was supposed to be sold?” I said as I looked at him.
“It was supposed to, but no one wanted it because they thought that one day you might come back and want the house. If you don’t want to stay here I can take you back to my house and you can meet Lucy and the kids.”
“No, I’ll stay here, its fine.” I said as I started to get out of the car. “Thank you for picking me up, I really appreciate it.” I said as I stuck my head in the car. Mark held something out in front of me and I took it and looked, it was the keys to the house and a car.
“Sorry but I didn’t get the chance to go to the store and get some groceries, but your mom’s old car is in the garage, so if you want to go get some you can.” I opened my mouth to say something but he cut me off.
“I’ve been coming over at least once a week and taking it for a drive it still works. Your mom really loved that car.”
“It was my dad’s it was the one thing he left behind that my mom loved, we tried to take care of it. Thanks again Mark.”
“No problem.”
I walked inside and looked around nothing had changed since the last time I was here, except the house was completely furnished and looked really nice. Before I left I sold everything and moved to New York so I could start new. I never knew how much I missed this place.
I looked at the time, 6, I decided that I should go to the store and get some things before I went to see my mom or do anything else.
My dad had a blue 1960’s Ford Galaxie Sunliner Convertible. Before my dad left, whenever my mom would start drinking my dad and I would just drive around with the top down, singing to whatever song was on the radio at the time. God, how I missed the old days.
I walked out to the garage and got in the car, started her up and backed out the driveway.
The town was a small one everyone knew everyone unless you were knew in town but than you soon knew everyone else. Most the people I passed would stop me and tell me how much they missed me and how sorry they were about my mom. I would smile and ‘thanks it’s nice to be back’ or something like that. It took me 30 minutes to drive a 5 minute drive to the grocery store.
I got out of the car, got a cart, and started shopping. I was walking down the frozen food section not looking where I was going when I ran into someone.
“Oh, sorry I wasn’t watching where I was going, sorry.” I said as I bent down to help the guy pick up the things he dropped.
“It’s ok.” The guy said as we stood up and as I took that chance to see who I ran into. I never thought I would see him again. My heart rate sped up my palms got really sweaty, and the only thing I could think about was the day we left. He had gone to California and I had gone to New York, we weren’t supposed to see each other again. I guess he was also a reason I never came to visit my mom, I didn’t want the chance that I would see him. “Jamie. Jamie!”
“Zack?” I was dazed.
“What are you doing back here?”
“My mom.”
“Right, my mom told me. How is she? I haven’t had the chance to go see her yet. I just got back today.”
“Um, I haven’t been to see her yet I got here about an hour ago.” There was a silence between us, a very awkward silence.
My mom had always loved Zack, she treated him like her was the son she never had. Zack and I had known each other since first grade, and Ami, Zack, and I had been the popular trio since high school. We were all best friends and we did everything together. Zack and I had done the cliché thing. We fell in love our junior year and we were together till the day we had to go to college. I had been heart broken. I had always imagined that after college we would return home and get back together. It never happened. I came home expecting him to be here and when he wasn’t I went back to New York and started a new life.
“Right, um, well I should go I want to see my mom tonight.” I said as I started to walk around Zack.
“Ok,” Zack mumbled, “Oh wait, Jamie!”
“Yeah?” I asked as I turned to look at him.
“Happy Birthday, I don’t know if I’ll run into you again before Christmas or before you leave.” He smiled at me and I couldn’t help but smile back. He was always able to do that to me, even when I didn’t want to smile at all.
“Thanks, I’ll see you around…maybe”
“Yeah, maybe.” He replied before I walked away.
Zack had broken my heart and yet 7 years later he was still the only guy I thought about that I loved. That I still love.
I took the chance to glance at him over my shoulder and what I saw was something I never thought I would see. Zack had turned his back towards me, his head was down and his shoulders were shaking. I had never seen Zack cry, not even when his dad died. He was always strong and never showed any emotion except for happiness, anger, and jealousy. Most the time that was only in front of Ami and me.
I finished my grocery shopping and made my way out to the car. Once I got all the groceries in the car I got in the driver’s seat and that was when I finally broke out in tears. I thought I would be over him, but I guess it’s harder when you are friends before you are together.
My phone started ringing. I wiped the tears off my face and tried to calm down before I answered the phone.
“Hello.”
“Hello, is this a Ms. Jamie Britton?” A female voice asked.
“Yes, may I ask who this is?”
“Oh yes of course, my name is Abby Gates, I’m a nurse at the hospital. I heard you had returned to town, is that true?”
“Yeah, I was actually just about to drive over and see my mom is something wrong?”
“Well, Ms. Britton I think you should come as soon as you can.”
“What? What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry but your mother has gotten worse, there’s a chance that your mom might not make it through the night. Just try and get here as soon as you can.” I heard the click of the phone as she hung up.
Once I got to the hospital I ran to the registration desk. “Hi, I’m Jamie Britton; my mother is here, Abby Gates called me.”
The nurse at the desk looked up at me and smiled. “Hello Ms. Britton. What’s your mother’s name and what was she brought in for.”
“Carol Britton, I don’t know why she was brought in, she was staying at the retirement home in town.”
The nurse stopped typing looked up with a shocked expression.
“Jamie.” I turned at the sound of my voice and saw Zack and his mom, Isabel Roberts.
“What are you guys doing here?” I asked surprised to see them here.
“They called me as soon as your mother was brought in; I was the one who gave them your number.” Mrs. Roberts answer.
“Jamie, I think you should know something before you go in there.” I looked at Zack a little confused.
“Zack, no, the doctor should tell her.” Mrs. Roberts said before Zack could tell me.
“Mom, I think it would be easier if the news came from someone she knew then from a stranger.” Zack said looking at his mother.
“Please, just tell me what’s going on. No one will and I’m starting to freak out.”
“Jamie, your mom, well she, she’s dead.”
“What? No, your lying, she’s not dead, she just in a coma. He’s lying right?” I asked looking at Mrs. Roberts who just shook her head.
“I’m sorry, Jamie but she’s gone. She had a seizure, she stopped breathing, and then her heart stopped. They tried everything they could to bring her back, but oxygen wasn’t reaching her brain, and she died. I’m so sorry Jamie.”
I looked at him for a minute before I walked into the room I had seen them walk out of. There laid in the bed, tubes and blood everywhere. I stared at her, and before I fell to the ground crying I felt to strong arms wrap around my waist and turn me around. I rested my head on his chest and just cried my eyes out.
I don’t really remember what happened after that. The next thing I remember is waking up in my bed with the smell of food wafting though the open door.
*****
Date: December 23, 2008
I got up from the bed and grabbed my robe that was lying at the end of the bed and made my way down to the kitchen. In front of the stove stood Zack cooking french toast and bacon, he turned and tried to smile at me.
“Hey sleepy head.” He said as he took the last piece of french toast off the pan and put it on a plate with other pieces.
“What are you doing here?” I asked while I walked to the coffee maker and poured myself a cup, and then I walked over to the table and took a seat.
“You don’t remember?” He said as he brought the food over to the table and sat down.
“No.”
“I drove you home after you and my mom made some arrangements for your mom’s funeral and right when I was starting to leave you asked me to stay.” I opened my mouth to say something, “Before you yell at me, I tried to tell you that you didn’t really want me to stay but then you started crying and I didn’t think it was a good idea to leave you here by yourself. So, I’m sorry if you’re mad at me, but I just… I didn’t want you to be alone.”
“I’ve been alone for 7 years; I don’t think another night would have made a difference.” I mumbled to myself.
“What did you say?”
“Nothing.” I got up and started to walk out of the room.
“Jamie, where are you going?”
“Upstairs.”
“Why? Never mind, Jamie you stay eat, I’ll go.”
“No Zack stay, eat you made the food. I’m not going upstairs because you’re here, I’m not hungry, and the smell of the food is making my sick. I’m sorry, but thank you.”
“Jamie, you need to eat.”
“I know and I will but I just can’t not right now.”
“Ok, do you…” Zack never got the chance to finish his question, because the door bell rang.
“Can you get that, I really want to go change.”
“Yeah sure.”
I went upstairs, took a quick shower, and got dressed before I went back downstairs to find Zack and Ami sitting at the table talking over a cup of coffee.
“Tell her.” Ami said. They hadn’t noticed me yet so I hid behind the door so I could here what they were talking about.
“I can’t, she hates me, and she can barely be in the same room as me for more then 5 minutes.”
“How do you know she hates you, have you asked her or something?”
“No.”
“Then don’t assume.”
“Do you really think it would be a good idea if I told her I loved her right after her mom died? Do you think she would actually believe me? I know I wouldn’t.”
“Why wouldn’t you?”
“I would think that she was only telling me because my mom died not because she really felt that way.”
“So are you saying that you’re just going to let her go again?”
“Yes,” Zack said as I heard him get up from the table, “Her life is in New York.”
“And where’s yours? Anywhere you want.”
“Here.”
“What?”
“My life is here.”
I chose this time to finally enter the kitchen. Ami was sitting at the table with her back to me, looking at Zack, and Zack stood at the sink with his back to Ami and me.
“And what?” He turned around saw me and stopped talking. “How long have you been listening?” Ami turned in her seat and looked at me surprised.
“I… um… I just got down here. Ami what are you doing here?”
“Zack called me and told me what happened.”
“What are you doing here though?”
“Did you really think that I wouldn’t be here?” Ami asked as she stood and came over to hug me.
“I’m going to go. I put the food in the oven to keep it warm. Please try to eat something.” Zack said as he put his coat on and started to walk out of the kitchen.
“Zack wait, stay. It could be like old times.” Ami said.
“No I think I should go. I’ll see you tomorrow at the funeral.”
Ami elbowed me in the ribs and gave me a look that said, ‘ask him to stay or you might regret it.’
“Zack wait stay. I really would like you to stay. Ami’s right it could be like old times.” I said before he could walk out the front door.
“Are you sure?” Zack asked.
“Yes.” I replied.
Zack took off his coat and put it back on one of the chairs at the table.
“So what do you guys want to do today?” Ami asked.
“Can we just stay in today? I don’t want to have to deal with everyone saying their sorry about my mom.”
“Yeah, definitely, we’ll stay in.” Zack said.
That’s what we did, we stayed inside and watched movies and played games and just talked. That was it. It was like we were back in high school, only my mom never came in drunk, and Zack and Ami didn’t have to leave at the end of the night.
“Does anyone want the last piece of pizza?” Zack asked.
“No you can have it.” Ami replied.
Ami was lying on the on the couch, Zack was laying on the ground perpendicular to the couch, and I sat looking at them.
“Are you ok Jamie?” Ami asked after she saw the look on my face.
“Yeah.”
“No your not, do you want to talk about it?” Zack said as he sat up and looked me in the eye.
“No, I’m fine I promise.” Zack looked at me with a concerned expression on his face. “Fine, I’m just having a hard time adjusting. There are a lot of things I have to do.”
“Like what? Maybe we can help you.” Ami said as she too sat up on the couch.
“You can’t, its stuff I have to decide on my own.”
“Like what?” Ami asked again.
“I have to decide if I want to sell the house, or if I want to move back here, or I could rent out the house maybe. I have to find my dad and let him know. If I do move back here I have to hope that there’s a job at the school. I have to get used to the fact that I don’t have a mother anymore.”
“You’ve been used to that all your life, and personally I think you should move back here.” Ami said looking down at her hands.
“Why?” Zack and I asked at the same time.
“Well, truthfully, I have to move back, and when we were younger you used to always talk about living here forever. You liked living in a small town where everyone knew everyone. Also when we were in college you always said how much you hated living in the city. Plus, if you moved back here we would have the trio together again.”
“What?” I asked looking at Zack. “I thought you said you were visiting.”
“Well, I am… right now. I’m moving back here. My mom is sick and she said she needs help and I always said I would never put her in a nursing home if I could stop it, and, well, right now I can. So I’ll be back here in about 2 weeks.” Zack said.
“Why are you moving back here?” I asked Ami.
“Well 2 things: one, I told you that I don’t like the city and that I was thinking about moving back here. Two, I met someone.” I opened my mouth to say something, but she cut me off. “About a year ago when I came down to visit my mom I ran into this guy, his name is Ian, and well we talked a lot over the week, and before I left we exchanged numbers and when I got back to New York he called. Every time I come to visit I go see him. I just think it’s time I come back here.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to get upset, and now that you’re thinking about moving back here, well, it just seemed right.”
“Wow, ok then.” I said getting up, grabbing all the dishes and the pizza box, and going into the kitchen. I put the box down on the table and walked over to the sink and started washing the dishes.
“Jamie,” I heard Zack come into the kitchen and sit at the table. “What are you doing?”
“I’m washing the dishes.”
“I see that.”
“Then what do you mean?” I snapped at Zack and turned to look at him. “I’m sorry.”
“What’s going on with you?” Zack asked as he got up from the table and walked over and stood right in front of me.
“Everyone is leaving me.” I said as I looked him straight in the eye.
“No their not.”
“My dad left me.”
“Jamie…”
“My uncle left me.”
“Jamie, he didn’t…”
“You left me.”
“Jamie, please don’t…”
“My mom left me.”
“Jamie, come on…”
“Ami’s leaving me.”
“Jamie, stop. People die it’s what happens, they don’t want to, its not there choice.”
“Ok so that explains my mom and uncle, what about my dad?”
“Jamie, you know he didn’t want to leave you.”
“Then why did he? He could have taken me with him.”
“Do you really mean that? Was staying here that bad for you?”
“No it wasn’t but he shouldn’t have left.”
“Your right he shouldn’t have and I’m sure if he had the choice today he wouldn’t have left you.”
“And Ami?”
“She’s not leaving you. She’s moving on, she’s starting her life. She’s always done everything with you. Now she has a chance to do something on her own, without you.”
“And you?” I whispered and looked down at my hands.
“I… I thought it was for the best.”
“The best for whom? For you? Or for Me?”
“For you. I thought that if you were single you wouldn’t have to worry about anything or anyone. If I had known that you weren’t worried or that you weren’t going to date anyone, I, well, I wouldn’t have broken up with you.”
“So, you didn’t trust me?” I asked looking back up at him.
“No, that’s not it at all; I just didn’t want to hold you back from your life.”
“You wouldn’t have been holding me back.” There was a minute of silence before Zack talked again.
“I never left you.”
“What?”
“I never left you, I never will. I’ll always be here for you to talk to, to yell at, or even just to be there.”
“If you never left, then why didn’t you come back after college?”
“I got my first shooting assignment, and it was over in Scotland, I didn’t want you to have to make a decision.”
“Zack, you know it wouldn’t have been a difficult one, I would have gone with you in a heart beat.”
“I didn’t want you to have to.”
“Fine, can you answer me one question though?”
“Sure.”
“Do you still… do you ever wish that you could go back in time and change anything?”
“No, because if I did, who knows if we would still be the people we are today.”
“Do you still love me?” I asked looking at him.
Zack looked at me but didn’t respond for a few minutes.
“Jamie, are you still mad at me?” Ami asked as she walked into the kitchen. “Did I interrupt something?”
“No.” Zack said looking at me. “I don’t, and you didn’t interrupt anything, we were just done talking. I’m going to go.”
“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.”
“I’ll see you guys at the funeral.”
“Wait, why are you leaving?” Ami asked.
“I haven’t been home all day, so that means my mom’s been alone. I really need to check on her.” Zack said as he put on his coat.
“So, you’re coming back?” Ami asked again.
“No. I’ll see you guys later.” Zack walked to the door and before he walked out her looked back at me, and then he walked out. He walked out of my life yet again.
“What just happened in here?” Ami practically yelled at me.
“Nothing, don’t worry about it.” I said turning back to the dishes and finishing them.
“What did he do?”
“Why do you always accuse him of doing something? How do you know I didn’t do something?”
“Fine, what did you do?”
“I asked him if he still loved me.”
“What did he say?”
“You heard him.”
“No, I didn’t, I came in here and asked if you were mad at me and if I interrupted something and he said no.” I just looked at her then went back to doing the dishes without saying a word. “Oh, wow, I really did interrupt something.”
“No, it’s fine, I needed to know and now I do.”
“You don’t believe him do you?”
“Why shouldn’t I?” I finished the dishes, dried my hands, and turned around to look at Ami.
“Because you don’t just stop loving someone, especially your first love.”
“Well I guess he does.”
“I know you heard more of our conversation this morning.”
“So.”
“That also means I know that you know that he wants to be with you.”
“I didn’t here that part.”
“You didn’t have to. When did you really come down stairs?”
“I came in when you said something like ‘tell her’ “
“So that means you heard when he said ‘do you really think it would be a good idea if I told her I love her’ you heard him. He still loves you.”
“I can’t do anything if he can’t tell me that himself. It just doesn’t work that way.”
“So you’re just going to let him go again.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I don’t want to fight for something that he obviously won’t, I’m sorry. I’m going up to bed; you can stay in whatever room you want.”
“I think I’m going to go see Ian, I haven’t seen him yet and I want to tell him the good news.”
“What news?”
“That I’m moving back here.”
“Ok, is he going to be at the funeral so I can meet him?”
“Yeah, have you thought about what you’re going to do?”
“Yeah, I’m going to rent the house out to tourists.”
“Why?”
“Because there’s nothing for me here.”
“Then why not just sell the house?”
“I don’t want to get rid of it, it’s the house I grew up in, its home, and it always will be.”
“Ok, you’ll come visit me though right?”
“Of course I will.”
“I’m sorry this hasn’t been a very good Christmas.”
“Its ok, I’m used to it, I never get a good Christmas.”
“Maybe one day you will.”
“Yeah, maybe one day.”
*****
Date: December 24, 2008
I woke up that morning and looked out the window. A white Christmas in Maryland. At least some people would be having a nice, warm, happy Christmas.
I spent the whole day home inside wallowing in my own self pity.
An hour and a half before the funeral I walked into the bathroom and took a nice, hot, long shower. When I got out I put on some sweats while I curled my hair and put on my make-up. When I finished my make-up I checked the time, 5:30, I had ten minutes before I needed to leave for the church. I changed into a simple black dress.
I had decided on an evening ceremony. I figured it was Christmas Eve, how many people would want to go to a funeral on the night of Christmas Eve. I didn’t want to deal with people telling me how sorry they were about my mom. Boy was I wrong. I got to the church 10 minutes before the ceremony and half the church was already full. I walked to the front pew where I was supposed to sit. Sitting there to help me through this was Ami, Zack, his mom, and some guy that I assumed was Ian. I tried to give them a half smile as I sat down.
The priest that I asked to conduct the ceremony had asked me to say a few words at the start of the ceremony. When the priest came in he looked at me and smiled, signaling me to the podium. I stood and walked to the podium with my head down. When I looked out at the church my breath caught in the throat. The church was completely full, not a single seat left.
“Wow, I really didn’t think all of you would show up.” I said looking out at everyone, there were a few laughs and almost everyone smiled. “To be truthful with all of you, I didn’t know my mom was liked this much. I know my mom was a good person before everything happened, but, now, I never would have thought of a turn out like this. Then again, I didn’t really know my mom towards the end, did I?” I laughed a little before I continued. “I’m sure a lot of you have heard the saying ‘you don’t know what you have till it’s gone.’ Well it’s very true. I always thought that my mom was one of the worst people you would ever meet, and that I wouldn’t care if she died, or left, but seeing all of you here right now, I know my mother wasn’t horrible, and now that she’s gone, I don’t know what I’m going to do without her.” I looked down at my hands and started crying. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that you should never take what you want for granted. Everything you have, you have it for a reason, even if you don’t believe that. So if you had a fight with a loved one, forgive them, it’s that time of year right, it’s the time for forgiveness. If you don’t, you never know if it’s too late, they might not be here tomorrow. I know I always thought I would have more time. I guess I didn’t.” I paused at looked at everyone sitting in the church. “Thanks for coming.” I said and walked back to the pew and sat next to Ami and Mrs. Roberts.
The ceremony ended maybe a half an hour later. I stood and walked to the front of the church with Ami and Ian on my one side and Mrs. Roberts and Zack on the other. As people left the church they would walk by and say different variations of ‘I’m sorry for your lose’ or ‘if you need anything don’t hesitate to ask.’
“Your mother was a good person at the end. She was helping everyone she could. She would even talk at the high school about her illness and how drinking really hurt her, physically, mentally, and emotionally. She talked about how her drinking caused her to loose you. I’m sure your mother was sorry for everything she did.” Ms. Edwards said. She and my mom had been roommates at the nursing home.
“Thanks, that’s nice to know.”
“Everyone is having a memorial at town hall, if you want to come.” Mrs. Roberts told me after everyone had left.
“I think I’m just going to go home. Tell everyone I’m sorry and thank you, please.”
“Alright dear.” Mrs. Roberts said as she and Zack left the church.
“Jamie, are you going to be ok, or do you want me to go home with you.” Ami asked.
“No, you go out. It’s Christmas Eve. Go have fun with Ian.” I smiled at them.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, go, have fun.”
Once they left and the church was empty I looked around at the empty church and realized how big it was. The church had exactly enough seats to fit our entire town. Our town that consisted of 1,500 people and everyone of those 1,500 people were here to night to say goodbye to my mother. I sat down on the pew in front of me and started to cry.
“Jamie?”
I heard a voice ask from the back of the church. I wiped the tears from my face before I answered. “Yes?”
“Jamie?”
“Yes?” I said a little bit louder.
“Can you turn around and look at your father.”
I stood up and turned around and looked at the man that claimed to be my father. “Dad?”
“Yeah, honey it’s me.”
“What are you doing here?” I asked as I looked at him surprised.
“Your mother’s funeral.”
“But why? You have a new family. Why did you choose now to come back?”
“Because you’re right, we don’t know how much time we have to try and fix things that we’ve messed up in the past. Before I die I want to know that I at least tried to fix things. Even if I can’t”
“I can’t do this, not know anyway, not after I just lost my mother. I can’t, I just can’t” I said, and then walked past him and out of the church. Instead of going to the car and driving home I decided to walk home. I took off my heals and put on my coat and started my walk.
“Jamie?” I heard a male voice ahead of me sitting on a bench.
“Zack?”
“Yeah, what are you doing?”
“Walking home.” I didn’t bother to stop and have a conversation with him; instead I continued to walk home.
“I got that,” Zack got up from the bench and walked next to me, “What I don’t get is why you are walking home bare foot when you drove to the church.”
“I felt like walking and my feet hurt from standing in heals all night. So I took them off.”
“Ok.” There was a moment of silence before I broke it.
“Why are you walking with me?”
“I don’t want anything to happen to you.”
“It’s a 10 minute walk and it’s a small town where everyone knows everyone do you really think something would happen?”
“Do you hate me that much?”
“What? Where did that come from?”
“You used to never mind if I walked you home, now you do. So, do you hate me that much that I can’t walk you home?” I stopped walking and looked at him, when he finally stopped he turned and looked at me.
“Do you think I could ever hate you?”
“I don’t know anymore.”
“I could never hate you Zack, but I can be mad at you, and right now I’m mad, at you, at my dad, at my mom, and I’m a little upset. I just want to be alone right now ok?”
“Fine, but I’m always here for you to talk to.”
“Thanks, Zack for being there.”
“I always will be.”
*****
Date: December 25, 2008 (my 25th birthday)
I woke up at 9 o’clock that morning and decided to go for a run. I ran around the whole town as fast as I could and ended up at the church. I looked up at the large building and remembered when I first met Zack.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna. Can’t I stay home with gamma? I don’t wanna go to church.”
“Come on honey. Please be good for mommy and daddy.” My mother said as we walked into the church.
“Jamie, sweetheart, you could meet some of your class mates if you come in with us.” My father said trying to encourage me to go into the church with them.
“Really?” I asked getting excited to meet more people.
“Yes, but only if your good.” My mother said.
“Ok.” I said taking my parents hands and walking inside.
We sat down in one of the pews in the middle of the church next to a women and man and there son.
“Hey, Isabel, how are you?” My dad asked once he sat down.
“I’m good, how are you?” Mrs. Roberts asked.
“I’m fine, is your Zack with you?”
“Yes he is, took us awhile to get him to come in but he’s here.”
“Do you think that Zack and Jamie could sit next to each other? That’s how we got Jamie to come in. We told her she could meet some of her new classmates.” My father asked.
“Oh that’s such a good idea.” Mrs. Roberts said. She moved Zack so he was sitting next to me and I smiled at him.
“Hi, I’m Jamie. Who are you?”
“My name is Zack.”
“How old are you?”
“5, how old are you?”
“I’m 5 too!” Zack practically yelled.
“Shhh. There’s no yelling in church.” Zack’s mom reprimanded.
“Sorry.” Zack whispered.
“What’s your favorite color?” I asked.
“Green, what’s yours?”
“Green.” I said getting excited again.
After that we were inseparable. I know it doesn’t seem like much but when your five the slightest thing makes you best friends.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out my keys and walked to the car and drove back to the house. Once I got there I decided I wanted to go home so I went inside and packed all of my stuff and put it in the car and drove home.
As I passed drove though the town I smiled at all the memories passing through my head and hoped that next year when I was back here visiting Ami, that things would be different and that I would have a happy Christmas and birthday.
*****
Date: December 24, 2009
Age: 25 (a day before I turn 26)
I drove down the road towards my old house. It was decorated. Lights on the roof, on the bushes, on the trees. Little lit up reindeer and a Santa Claus. I laughed. Of course Ami would and Ian would do something like this.
It had been a year since I had last been here. A year since I had seen my dad, a year since my mother’s death, a year since I had talked to most people here, a year since I had last seen or spoken to Zack. The last I had heard is that he was seeing someone and they were pretty serious. This year though I had more than one reason to be visiting. One, Ami wanted me to visit her this time, and two she and Ian were getting married. I guess I was getting what I wished for: a happy Christmas and birthday after all.
I walked up to the front door and walked in. The inside of the house was decorated more than the outside. When I flipped the switch to turn on the lights all the Christmas lights and decorations turned on instead. I guess Ami and Ian wanted me to be in a good mood before the rehearsal. So far, I was in a great mood.
I walked upstairs and unpacked my stuff before I started to get ready to go to Ami’s. I took a shower, curled my hair, put on make-up, and decided to wear a pale green dress. When I was ready I went downstairs turned of all the lights, and drove to Ami’s.
*****
“I can’t believe you invited him!” I whisper- shouted at Ami.
“Well I’m sorry. I’m not going to un-invite him just because you two had a fight last year. I’m still friends with him. So it Ian for that matter. He’s the best man. Get over it.” Ami responded.
Ami walked out of the kitchen over to Ian and smiled at him. I walked over to the entrance of the kitchen and leaned against the door way looking at the four of them talking and laughing. I guess it was time to face the music and get over it like Ami said. I put on a smile and walked out into the room and over to Ami, Ian, Zack, and Mrs. Roberts.
“Oh Jamie, it’s so nice to see you again.” Mrs. Roberts said pulling me into a hug.
“It’s nice to see you too.” I said smiling at her.
“I was a little upset that you didn’t say goodbye before you left. It was like you were trying to sneak away again.” She said.
“Mom, let’s not bring that up. Wait, again?” Zack asked. I looked down at the ground and didn’t respond.
“Oh, yes, once you guys had graduated from college Ami and Jamie came home and Jamie stayed for maybe a week before she left without saying goodbye to anyone. Her mother was so depressed.” Mrs. Roberts said.
“Yep, that’s me the run away.” I smiled and walked back into the kitchen.
“Jamie. You can’t keep walking away.” Ami said.
“It wasn’t a good idea.”
“What wasn’t?”
“Me, coming back here, I shouldn’t have. I think, after the ceremony tomorrow I’m going to go back to New York.”
“What? No. Jamie you have to be there.”
“I will be there. I just I can’t stay here. It’s not me anymore.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m not the same person everyone thinks I am. I’ve changed. I just need to move on. I’ve been wishing for so long that I would come back here and Zack would be here waiting for me and that my dad and mom would be back together again.” I paused and turned around to look out the window above the sink, and looked out at the stars. “I’ve been wishing for so long, I need to grow up and stop wishing. I’m not in high school anymore, I’m turning 26 tomorrow.” I stopped and turned to look at Ami, “I’m sorry Ami, I’ll be at the ceremony and I’ll be the perfect maid of honor, but when the reception starts I’ll be on the road back to New York.”
“Jamie.” Ami whispered near tears, behind her Ian and Zack looked over and started to walk towards us.
“I think I better go.” I said walking over to Ami and hugging her. When I pulled away we were both crying.
“Jamie, wait no don’t go please.” Ami begged, Zack and Ian were both in the kitchen now, very confused.
“What do I have keeping me here? I promise I’ll be there tomorrow and I’ll try harder to visit. I have too many bad memories back here. It hurts. It hurts a lot being back here. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t put on that fake smile and act like everything is ok. I’m so sorry Ami, I am so so sorry.”
“Jamie please don’t do this don’t leave, or you’ll be right. You will be the run away.” Ami said still crying.
“I can’t change who I am.” I said wiping the tears from my eyes and turning and walking out of the kitchen.
“Zack, do something, tell her the truth.” Ami said.
“I can’t.” He said and walked out the back door to get some fresh air. He saw Jamie drive down the road towards her house, and realized he probably lost the best thing he would ever have in his life.
*****
Date: December 25, 2009 (my 26th birthday and the day of Ami’s wedding)
I got up the next morning at 8 o’clock, took a shower, put on some sweats and packed all of my stuff up and put it in the car. When the car was parked and the house was locked up I got in the car and drove to Ami’s house where her mom was going to do our hair and her aunt was going to do our make-up before we went to the church to get dressed for the wedding.
We got to the church an hour before the ceremony was to start. I got dressed quickly and went out to the front door to greet people. Like the maid of honor was supposed to do with the other bride’s. I smiled when I saw Lucy, and Laura, Ami’s bride’s maids.
“Oh my gosh, Jamie is that really you? I haven’t seen you in what almost 8 years.” Laura squealed and gave me a hug.
“Yep about that long.” I smiled and hugged both of the girls.
“Oh my gosh.” Laura whispered, “Zack is like ten time hotter than he was in high school. Are you two together?” She asked.
“No.” I smiled and looked back a Zack who was talking with Ami’s grandmother. He looked great in his tuxedo.
10 minutes before the ceremony was supposed to start Julie, Laura, and I went back into the backroom of the church where Ami was getting ready.
“Jamie, can you go check and make sure the guys are ready?” Ami’s mother asked me.
“Sure.” I hesitated before I left the room and went next door and knocked before I entered.
“Hey, Jamie!” Ian said excitedly.
“You excited?” I laughed as I walked over and straightened his bow tie.
“More than I ever thought I would be.” He smiled. The door opened and in walked Mark, Luck and Zack, Ian’s groom’s men.
“Ok well I just came to make sure you guys were ready. Ami’s mom is having a fit.” I said and looked over the guys to make sure everything was looking good. The only problem I saw was that all of their bow ties were lopsided. “What is it with guys and their bow ties being lopsided?” I asked as I started to straighten them out.
“It’s because we like it when a girl comes up to fix them.” Luck said smiling at me in a really creepy way. I gave him a disgusted looked before I moved to fix Mark’s bow tie.
“Ignore him, he can be perverted sometimes.” Mark said. I smiled a little than moved to fix Zack’s tie. My smile faded and I tried my hardest not to show any emotion. When I stepped away from him I let out the breath I didn’t even know I was holding.
“Ok, well you guys look good and the ceremony should start any minute now so Ian, get out there.” I said and watched all of them file out of the room and Ian continue to the alter. I walked back into the back room and smiled as everyone moved away from Ami and she turned and smiled at me.
“Is it time?” She asked.
“Yes, Ian is at the alter and the guys are outside waiting for us.” I replied.
“Ok than let’s get this show on the road.” Laura said.
We all walked out of the room and got in line. Kelsey and James, the flower girl and ring barer first, then Lucy and Mark, then Luck and Laura, then Zack and I. Once all of us got to the front of the church the wedding march started and Ami and her dad started down the aisle. Everyone stood and looked at Ami, I took this chance to look at Ian and see the look on his face as he watched Ami come down the aisle. I smiled when I saw how happy he was.
The ceremony went extremely well, no problems what so ever and when it came time for the vows everyone in the church was in tears.
“I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride.” The priest said and Ian kissed Ami with all the passion in the world.
They ran up the aisle and the wedding party followed. I walked to my car and got a pair of jeans and a long sleeve shirt out for me to change into before I hit the road.
When I walked out of the church in my jeans everyone was getting in their cars and driving to the reception hall. I smiled at all the pieces of confetti on the ground that everyone had thrown. I got in my car and drove to the reception hall. I wanted to say goodbye this time.
“It is my proud honor to introduce you all for the first time to Mr. and Mrs. Ian Waters.” The lead singer of the band announced. Everyone clapped as they walked in hand in hand. I stood in the back of the room smiling and clapping.
I walked over to Ami and Ian after they had there first dance has husband and wife.
“Jamie you came.” Ami screamed hugging me. When she pulled away she saw what I was wearing and frowned. “At least you came to say good bye this time.”
“I’m sorry again, you should be happy this is your lucky day. I just wanted to say goodbye this time. I’ll be back for at least a week over the summer. I promise.” I smiled and gave Ami a hug then Ian.
“Take care of your self.” Ian said.
“I will.” I said
“Jamie!” Ami stopped me. “Happy Birthday!”
“Thanks.” I smiled and walked over to Mrs. Roberts who was talking to Mark, Lucy, and Zack. 4 birds with one stone.
“Jamie! What are you doing wearing a pair of jeans! You should be wearing your dress.” Mrs. Roberts reprimanded me.
“I’m not staying.” I said.
“What you have to you are the maid of honor. You have to give a speech.” Mrs. Roberts told me.
“I’m not going to. I just wanted to come say goodbye before I left. I’ll be back over summer break.” I half smiled at the old woman.
“Alright, but promise you will come visit more often.” Mrs. Roberts said giving me a hug.
“I will. I’ll see you around ok.” I said to Mark and Lucy.
“Of course.” Mark said and gave me a hug.
“Be careful driving home. I hear it’s snowing up in New York.” Lucy told me giving me a hug.
“It’s always snowing in New York.” I laughed.
“Happy Birthday.” Zack said.
“Thanks.” I said to him. We kept eye contact for a few minutes before I spoke again. “I should go. I’ll see you all around.”
“Happy Birthday Jamie.” Everyone in the room shouted once I got to the door. I turned around and shared a teary smile with everyone. I waved and walked out of the room.
*****
Date: January 25, 2010
“Ok, class!” I said trying to quiet everyone down. The school had asked me to be one of the freshmen English teachers this year. I had accepted quickly. It was what I had always dreamt of being. “Class please.” I said trying to make another attempt at getting them quiet. A student raised their hand. “Yes Elaina?” I asked.
“I was on the internet the other day looking at one of my favorite photographers, and well I was reading his biography and he went to the same high school as you and I was wondering if you knew him?” Elaina asked.
“What’s his name?” I responded.
“Zack Roberts.” She said.
“Yes I knew him.”
“Did you date him or something?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Well, there was a picture of you and him on his website.”
“Not that it’s your concern but yes we did date. Now let’s get on the topic of English. Everyone get the literature books and read The Cask of Amontillado quietly please.” I walked over to my desk and got on to Zack’s official website to see what picture Elaina was talking about.
When Zack and I were in high school and he first really got in to photography I would let him take pictures of me doing crazy things like running around the park or dancing with my invisible prince or singing into a hairbrush like it was a microphone. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t one of those. He would never actually let me see the photographs he took of me so I also just wanted to see them.
When I got to the website I went to his photographs and the first one was a picture of me at Ami’s wedding. I was standing at the back of the reception hall smiling. I assumed that is was taken of me when I was watching Ami and Ian dance. I scrolled down some more and I stopped at a picture of me. I was wearing a summer dress twirling around looking up a the sky with my eyes closed, my arms opened, smiling. I looked so peaceful and graceful. I continued to scroll down until I found a picture of me with Zack.
I remembered when he took the picture. He had come over to my house with his brand new digital camera and begged me to let him take a picture and I said no, unless he got in the picture with me. So he set up his tripod and camera and put the timer on and pulled me up of the couch and started dancing with me. I was smiling up at him and he was smiling down at me. I had never seen the picture. I smiled at it and there was a knock at the door.
I couldn’t see the door from where I was sitting so I stood up and walked over to the door. One of my students had already let the person into the classroom.
“Zack? What are you doing here?”
“Trying to fix something that I broke.” He said looking at me. I heard a murmur come from my students of ‘who is he?’ and I heard Elaina go ‘oh my gosh, oh my gosh’.
“What would that be?” I asked.
“Two hearts.” He said it so simply I almost didn’t get it.
“How exactly do you expect to fix them?” I asked taking a step towards him.
“I hadn’t really thought that far ahead. You see I didn’t know if one of the people would really talk to me.”
He said taking a step towards me with every word he said until he was right in front of me.
“Well do you have any ideas now that you know.”
“Just one.” He said.
“What is it?” I asked looking up at him.
“This.” He said then kissed me. His arms snaked around my waist and he pulled me as close to him as I could get. I hesitated before I responded by kissing him back and putting my arms around his neck, one of my hands moving up into his hair. When he pulled away I looked him in the eye almost forgetting about my class until the bell rang. I pulled out of his grasp and dismissed the class. Once the class was out the door I turned around and looked at Zack. “Did it by any chance work?” He asked, worry written all over his face.
“I don’t know.” I said honestly. While the class had left the room I had started to put the literature books away and was now on the other side of the room from him.
“Do you know how I can possibly fix this?” He asked, I could see the desperation in his face.
“Tell me how you really feel.” I said.
“I love you, I always have and I always will. That is never going to change.” He said walking towards me.
“Why did you tell me you didn’t then?” I asked a little hurt.
“I didn’t want you to think that I was only telling you because of your mother died.” He answered.
“Why didn’t you tell me when I was in town this past Christmas?”
“I was going to, but then you decided you couldn’t stay in town and well I can’t really leave right now, not with my mom as sick as she is.”
“What changed your mind?”
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you, and I didn’t want to live my life with regret, wishing I did something when I could have.” He said standing right in front of me.
I nodded my head and looked up at him. “I love you too.” I said before I kissed him.
*****
Christmas time was a magical time of year when I was a little girl. When my dad was still around, before my mom started drinking, before my uncle left for the war. When I was still at home with Ami and Zack. Now Christmas is… still a magical time of year. Ami and Ian are happily married with a baby on the way, and Zack and I are living happily back at home with his mom. Living day to day, because you never know if that next day you are going to still be living on this earth, you never know when your time is up.
So, live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human