“Mom, I’m home!” I yelled as I walked towards the kitchen so I could put the paper work on the table for her to fill out. When I walked into the kitchen I saw my mom sitting at the table crying over the phone. “Mom, are you ok?” She looked up surprised, nodded, and held up one finger to tell me one minute.
“Ok Steve, I’ll tell her, but when it comes down to it, it’s her decision on what she wants to do and you can’t force her. You have to let her decide… Ok we’ll see you then.” My mom said as steadily as she could so she wouldn’t let him know she was crying.
“Why was dad calling? What does he want?” I asked hastily as I sat down across the table from my mom. My mom sat there trying to calm herself down before she looked up and answered me.
“Your father wants you to come live with him.” I opened my mouth to interrupt but my mom held up her hand before she continued, “It’s your choice, we have no say in what you want to do. Over spring break you will go to your father’s in California so you can see if you like it there. Then when you get back we will talk about it together and you will have to make your decision.”
“I already know what my decision is, I don’t want to go. Why did he wait a month before he decided he wanted me to live with him? He should have thought about that before he abandoned us and left for California. I don’t want to go over spring break. Besides I’d have to transfer schools for a totally of like 2 months then there would be summer and then I’d be coming back here for college. It’s stupid if you think about it.”
“I’m sorry but you at least have to go for a week so you can truly know what it will be like there.”
“If it’s my choice though I should get to decide if I go for a week? I already know what it will be like there. I don’t want to go.”
“I’m sorry honey, if it were my choice I wouldn’t make you but your father really wants you to go and meet his knew family.”
“His new family, his been gone a month and he already has a new family?”
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” We sat at the table for a few minutes in silence before she said anything. “How did it go with Dr. Matthew’s today?”
“He wants me to go visit his grave. He says it would be good for me.”
“Is that something you want to do?”
“I just feel like its too early, I need more time.”
“Ok, whatever you want. How did registration go?” My mom said as she stood and walked over to the freezer to look for food.
“Oh right, I got papers for you to fill out and sign.” I said as I turned in my seat to get the papers out of my bag.
“Does the school seem like a nice place?” She said as she moved about the kitchen getting things out. “How does grilled cheese and soup sound for dinner?”
“Good. The school seems nice.”
“Did you meet anyone?” I rolled my eyes, “Erika.”
“Yes, I met the guidance counselor and her son.”
“Do they seem nice?”
“Yes they do.”
My mom started to butter the bread before she said anything in return. “How’s you leg today?”
“A little sore.” I said as I started to get my crutches and go to my room before we started talking about the accident, it was too soon.
“Where are you going?”
“To my room, call me when dinner is ready.”
“Erika, why do you always walk away when we start to talk about the accident?”
“It’s too soon mom. Every time we start to talk you want to know what happened. All you want to know is why we were in the car. I can’t tell you that, not yet, it’s just too soon.” I said before I turned to go to my room.
“Erika.” I stopped and turned to my mom, “I’m sorry I just want to know why my son is gone and why my daughter is in so much pain.”
“Your son is dead because he was in an accident and your daughter is in so much pain because she lost her best friend and brother all in one night, and I don’t know why it had to happen to him. He didn’t deserve it.” I said before I went into my room.
*****
I walked down the hallway towards the guidance counselor’s office. “Hello again, here to see Mrs. Monroe?”
“Yes, I have some stuff to give her.”
“Ok, she’s in with a student right now but she’ll be done real soon. Just have a seat.”
I made my way over to the seat I sat in yesterday, but before I could sit down Mrs. Monroe’s office door opened and she stepped out with Jack laughing. She looked over and saw me standing there and smiled. “Erika, you have the paper work?”
“Yes.” I said as I got the papers out of my bag.
“Ok, well come have a seat in my office I want to talk to you real quick.”
“All right, well I should make my way to class. I’ll see you after school, mom.” Jack said as he gave his mom a kiss on the cheek and then walked to the door, “I’ll see you in class Erika.” He said before he walked out the door.
“What did you need to talk to me about?” I asked once I had sat down across from Mrs. Monroe.
“I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to all your teachers, and I want to give you a chance first before I do. You see I’m supposed to tell them just incase you get upset in class. You know something could remind you of your brother or of the accident it self and most students have a… How do I put this? A break down? They get upset during class and well, it’s just a precaution. I’m going to wait and tell your teachers. The first time you come down in the middle of class because of something related to the accident is when I will tell your teachers. Ok?”
“Yes, thank you, I really appreciate it. Oh, here are the papers.”
“Ok, that’s it; if you ever need to talk I’m here Erika.”
“Ok, thank you again.” I said before I got up and made my way towards first period, English.
I walked into the classroom late. The teacher looked over, she was a short, pudgy woman, who looked like she was in her mid- fifties maybe. Her hair was short and white, and her eyes were a chocolaty brown. She looked like a nice women. “May I help you with something?”
“I’m Erika, I’m new.”
“Oh yes, right, well I’m Miss. Pickerel. Let’s see, where can you sit? You can sit over by the window next to Anna. Anna can you raise your hand?” I looked over where the hand was coming from and started to make my way towards her. “Oh wait, while you’re up here why don’t you introduce yourself.” I gave her a confused look, “Tell us your name, if you moved into the city where from, why you moved into this school if your not new to the city you know stuff like that.”
“Ok, I’m Erika, I’m not new into town, I switched schools because… because,” I paused and looked around at everyone then the teacher, “I switched schools because my mom wanted me to.” I lied. I looked over at Miss. Pickerel, she nodded her head and I walked over the desk she told me to sit at.
“Hi, I’m Anna Davis.” I turned to my right and saw a skinny girl with wavy brown hair, silver eyes, and an oval shaped face.
“Erika.”
“Alright class…” Miss. Pickerel started to talk but I quickly zoned out and ignored her. I felt someone staring at me from behind so I turned around and saw Jack looking at me with a curious face, like he was trying to figure me out. I turned back towards the front of the classroom. I could already tell today was going to be a long day.
When the bell finally rang I took my time to get my crutches and bag before I started to make my way to my next class.
“Hey Erika,” I turned and saw Anna walking towards me, “What class do you have next?”
“Umm…I think its psychology.”
“Oh cool me too, I’ll walk with you.”
“Ok.” We started walking in the opposite direction that Jack had taken me yesterday.
“So, why did you really switch schools?”
“That’s not something I’m really comfortable talking about right now.”
“Oh sorry, I didn’t know it was so personal.”
“It’s ok.”
“Hey Erika!” I looked up and saw Jack waving to his friends and walking towards Anna and me. “I see you’ve met our class president.” He said as he put his arm around Anna’s shoulders.
“Jack, stop that.” Anna said as she brushed his arm off her shoulder. “How do you know my dear old brother?”
“Umm… He showed me to the front office yesterday.” I said a little confused. They had different last names.
“Were half siblings, different moms.”
“Then wouldn’t you have the same last name?”
“We are a confusing family.” Anna piped in.
“To say the least.” Jack added.
“Well, here you ladies are. I’ll see you two later.”
Nothing really happened in Psychology. My teacher, Ms. Lewis, was a petite, young teacher with long brown hair. All she did was say that they had a new student and told me to stand up and say hi. So, I liked her so far she was pretty cool. I paid attention this time and took notes and did the work. I actually new the stuff already I had learned it right before the accident.
The rest of the morning pretty much went along like that nothing major happened. I mean I found out that the way classes went was really weird. They have A- days and B- days, and the only difference between the two days is one class. So, what happens is this: I go to English from 7:15- 8:15, then Psychology from 8:25- 9:20, then I either have Calculus or Physics from 9:30- 10:25, then Photography from 10:35- 11:35, then I go to lunch from 11:45- 12:45, then I have Italian from 12:50- 1:50, lastly I go student aid in the media center from 2:00- 3:00. During Photography I had to see how all the equipment worked and all that kind of stuff so the teacher paired me with Jack.
“So, that’s how everything works. And we have like 5 minutes of class left so.” Jack said as he started to walk towards the classroom. “So, what are you doing for lunch?”
“Going to the cafeteria.”
“You should come to lunch with Anna and me.” Jack said before he looked at me and saw the hesitation on my face, “Come on you can meet some more people.”
“I’m not good around a group of people.” Just then the bell rang and Jack picked up my stuff and started walking away. “Jack what are you doing? I didn’t say yes.”
“Well I think you should come it would be good for you.” Jack said as we made our way towards each other.
“You might think that but I just… I can’t be around a large crowd.”
“Why not?”
“I just can’t ok?” I yelled at him. “I’m sorry I just… It’s too soon. God everything is too soon.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I just mean that whenever someone wants me to do something I always say it’s to soon.” I said as I took my bag from him and started to walk the opposite direction.
“Erika!” Jack yelled down the hall to me, I stopped and turned to look at him as he made his way towards me. “I don’t know what it is that has you so frazzled and upset and I’m not going to pester you into telling me, but what I do know is that you can’t hold back on life no matter what. You have to live life to the fullest, because, you never know if you’re going to be here tomorrow to make up for what you missed.”
“My brother used to tell me that all the time.” I laughed a little at the memories that flooded my mind.
“Did you ever listen to him?” Jack asked.
“Most of the time.” I said looking up at Jack.
“Are you going to listen to me?”
“I want to, but I really just think right now I need to be alone.”
“How about this, you come to lunch with me and my friends and if it is too much for you then I will take you where ever you want to go?” Jack asked with hope in his eyes.
“Ok.” I hesitated before answering.
“Awesome.” Jack replied before walking with me to his car.
*****
“Jack, man how’s it going? Who is this lovely lady?” A guy with flaming red hair and green eyes asked.
“Hey Mark, this is Erika, she’s new to the school.” Jack said taking a seat next to the guy and pulling out the seat next to him for me to sit in. “This goofball is Mark Daniels.” Jack said to me.
“I am not a goofball.” Mark said, “Nice to meet you Erika. Let me introduce you to everyone. Starting at the end of the table is Anna and her boyfriend Andrew, next to Andrew is Nick, next to him is our lovely friend Laura, next her is Lilly, and next to Lilly is Lee, then there is Chris. That's everyone. And everyone this is Erika." Mark said, and everyone else said 'hi' in response.
"Hey." I replied. Andrew had brown hair and brown eyes, but was tall and muscular but not too much. Nick had blond hair and blue eyes, he was short and wore glasses and was really skinny. Laura, Lilly, and Lee looked like there would be the plastics if the plastics were real. Chris looked like one of those cocky jocks.
"Are you new to New York?" Lilly asked.
"No."
"Then why did you switch schools?" Laura asked.
"That's none of your business you guys. If she wanted you to no she would tell you." Anna said before looking over at me. I mouthed 'thank you' before I looked down at my hands.
"What did you get kicked out of your old school or something?" Lee asked. Everyone became extremely quiet waiting for my answer. When I didn't say anything there was a collective gasp. "Oh my gosh, you got kicked out of your school."
"Why?" Nick asked.
"You guys stop. Anna’s right, if Erika wanted to share she would." Jack said.
"What we are just trying to get to know the new kid." Laura said.
"Stop talking about her like she isn't sitting there you guys." Andrew said. "I'm sorry; sometimes we don't know how to be polite to other people."
"No it's fine, I understand the curiosity." I said smiling over at him. Everyone was quiet for a few seconds before they started one big conversation about the weekend that broke off into a bunch of little conversations. I sat in my seat thinking about everything, when I heard it. I heard the siren.
"I called her on the phone and she touched herself, she touched herself, she touched herself. I called her on the phone and she touched herself, I laughed myself to sleep." Craig and I sang while we drove down the highway on the way home from our friend, Martin's, New Year's Eve party.
"You are one of the best sisters a guy could ask for." Craig said as he turned the music down so we could talk.
"You're a pretty good older brother." I said nonchalantly. Craig looked over at me and then playfully punched my arm. "I'm just kidding; you're the best brother a girl could ask for." I said. "Besides what did I do tonight that was that great?" I asked.
"You saved me from our father and mother, and you also stopped me from making a fool of myself."
"Oh yeah! That was really funny; I can't believe you almost made out with the cat. Maybe you shouldn't be driving if you were that drunk." I laughed.
"I'm sober now, but I'm not so sure about you." Craig replied.
"You're probably right I am a little drunk." I laughed again. Craig started laughing as I looked out the window, and that's when I saw it, that's when I saw the truck coming full speed at us honking its horn. "Craig! Watch out!" I yelled trying to get his attention, he stopped laughing and looked over at me and that's when it happened.
I felt the car get pushed to the right and then the car jerk and spin so that the driver side was facing the truck and then the car started to roll and kept rolling, when it finally stopped the car was upright. I looked over at Craig and saw his eyes closed and his neck twisted around; it wasn't supposed to be that way. I tried to reach over and touch him and when I finally did get a hold on his hand I heard the sirens of the ambulance rushing towards us.
"Don't leave me, Craig, don't leave me, at least not yet please, I need you." I whispered before I blacked out.
I put my hand to my mouth at the memory and rushed to the bathroom where I threw up. I flushed the toilet and leaned against the side of the stall making sure there wasn't going to be a second round. I heard the bathroom door open and a female voice ask if I was ok, I stood up and walked out of the stall and over to the sink and rinsed my mouth out. When I looked up at my reflection in the mirror I saw Anna standing behind me with a look of concern on her face.
"Is everything alright?" Anna asked as she dug into her purse and pulled out a piece of gum before handing it to me.
"Thank you." I replied before taking the gum.
"Do you want to talk about anything?"
"Not really." I said near tears remembering everything from that night.
"Dose it have anything to do with why you moved to the school?"
"It has everything to do with why I moved to the school. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm really not, but I just can't talk about it. I don't want to be treated any differently then I already am. I'm sorry"
"It's ok, I totally understand. Come on; let's get back out there, everyone got really worried about you when you ran off." Anna said as she took my hand and pulled me out of the bathroom and over to the table before letting go and sitting in the chair she had been sitting in before. I walked over to my seat next to Jack and was about to sit down, when I realized I couldn't do this. I needed to start to move on. Everyone was right; I needed to stop living in the past.
"I'm going to go." I said to Jack.
"Ok, I'll take you back to school." He said standing up and putting some money on the table. "I'll see you guys later."
"No, Jack you stay, I'll be fine. I'll just get a cab, besides I'm not going back to school quite yet."
"Yes, but this was the deal, if it was too much for you than I would take you where ever you wanted to go, besides there's still a half an hour left of lunch." Jack said making his was outside to his car. "So, where to?"
"The graveyard a few blocks from school." I said a little hesitant before answering him.
*****
I got out of the car with Jack and started to walk down the pathway towards Craig’s grave. When I got to it I stood in the pathway looking at the headstone.
“Do you want me to wait in the car?” Jack asked from my side.
“No, just… can you wait right here? If you want to go back to the car you can.” I replied turning to him.
“No, I’ll wait here, its fine. Take all the time you need.”
“Thanks.” I said, then walked over to the gravestone and kneeled down right in front of it.
I sat there staring at the headstone for a few minutes before I started to trace the letters on the headstone. ‘Craig Johnson, 1988- 2009, beloved son, brother, and friend’.
“I miss you so much. Why did you have to go and leave me here by myself?” I cried into my hands. “You know mom and dad got a divorce, you always said they would.” I whispered looking up at his name crying, “He lives in California now, he wants me to go visit him and his new ‘family’ over spring break. What he really wants is for me to go live with him. I don’t get it though, I’ve already had to transfer schools and now he wants me to transfer again for what, 2 months? It’s stupid.” I paused and looked around me at the other headstones with flowers on them. “I’m sorry I haven’t been to talk to you, it’s just really hard. I keep wishing that it’s all a bad dream and I’ll wake up from it tomorrow.” My cell started vibrating in my pocket. “Mom’s calling. I promise I will come back soon.” I kissed the tips of my fingers and then placed them to his name.
“Hey mom, why are you calling?” I asked still sitting in front of Craig’s gravestone.
“I knew you were at lunch and wanted to know how your day was going so far.” My mom said.
“It could be better.” I said standing up and walking back over to Jack.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” She asked getting worried.
“Nothing, I’ll tell you about it when you get home.”
“You ready to go back to school?” Jack asked me quietly.
“Yes, mom I got to go, I’ll talk to you later ok?” I asked.
“Yeah, of course, I love you, Erika.”
“Love you too, mom.” I said before hanging up and getting in the car.
“So, is there any chance you’ll come to lunch tomorrow?” Jack asked.
“Yeah, I’d like to if it’s ok with everyone.”
“I think everyone would really like you to come with us.”
“Sorry I ruined your lunch hour.” I apologized looking down at my hands.
“You didn’t, promise.” Jack said smiling at me for a quick second before turning back to the road.
When we got back to the school we got out of the car and started to walk to class. He started to turn to go to the stairs when he realized I wasn’t following him.
“Sorry, I forgot.” Jack said walking back over to me then towards the elevator.
“It’s ok, I’m sure I would if I weren’t using them.”
“When do you get off crutches?” He asked as we got on the elevator.
“A week, I personally can’t wait till I’m off crutches. They’re really annoying.” Jack laughed and I smiled at his laugh. His laugh was really contagious.
“You have a really pretty smile.” He said as the elevator doors opened. I stood there for a minute looking him in the eye, before I realized the doors were open.
“Thanks, oh and thanks for taking me to the graveyard.”
“It was no problem.” He closed his mouth than opened it again to say something else but than closed his mouth once again changing his mind.
We walked into the classroom and saw that the classroom was practically empty. There were probably 5 people in the classroom.
“What time is it?” I asked as I took a seat at one of the desks in the back of the room with Jack.
“It’s just 12:45 now, so everyone should be here soon.”
“Everyone?”
“Oh yeah, Mark, Mick, Andrew, Chris, Anna, Laura, Lilly, and Lee are all in this class to. Sometimes it’s really great having your mom as a school guidance counselor.” Jack laughed.
“Hi Jack.” A girl with brown hair and rosy cheeks said as she walked in.
“Hey, Mary.” Jack smiled and waved to the girl.
“It was so funny.” I heard some girl from outside the classroom say. “I can’t believe she just got up and ran to the bathroom. She probably threw up. Didn’t you see her put her hand to her mouth to, like, stop herself or something.” The girl walked into the classroom and I saw that it was Laura. “Maybe she’s pregnant and that’s why she switched schools.”
I looked straight ahead of me towards the door. I could feel Jack staring at me and everyone else in the group that walked staring at me, Laura and Lucy laughed the others looked concerned.
“Come on you guys that was funny.” Laura continued laughing until she turned around and saw me sitting at the desk behind Jack.
“Alright everyone please take your seats.” The teacher said as he pushed past everyone standing at the door.
Anna, Lilly, Andrew, Mark, Chris, and Nick took the remanding seat directly around which forced Laura and Lucy to sit on the other side of the room.
“I understand we have a new student to the class, Erika Johnson. Why don’t you stand up and tell us about yourself?” The teacher said. He was tall man with graying hair.
“My name’s Erika,” I paused and took a deep breath trying to recover from what had happened only moments ago. “I’ve lived in the city my whole life.” I stopped trying to get what Laura said out of my head but couldn’t, “Do you want to know the real reason why I transferred schools?” I asked Laura directly. “My brother and I were in a car accident. That’s what the broken leg is from. He died, and I survived. I missed too much school in the mourning of his death so they kicked me out.” I turned and looked at everyone else in my class, “They thought I couldn’t catch up on all the work I missed.” I looked back at Laura, “Now you don’t have to go spreading rumors. Now you know the real story.” I sat back down in my seat and looked at my teacher. Everyone was silent until the teacher recovered and started to teach the class.
When the bell rang I sat in my seat until everyone but Anna, Lilly, Andrew, Nick, Mark, Chris, and Jack were still there, waiting for me to stand I assumed.
“Is what you said the truth? Were you really in a car accident?” Nick asked.
“Nick! What kind of question is that? Do you think she would lie about something like that?” Anna exclaimed.
“Yeah, it’s all true.” I said getting my crutches and making my way towards the door.
“Ms. Johnson, can you please stay a minute so I can talk to you?” Mr. Montoya asked.
“Yes.” I said turning and looking at my teacher.
“The six of you can wait outside for her if you would like.”
“Ok.” Nick said.
“See you tomorrow, Mr. Montoya.” Chris said.
“Ms. Johnson, I would prefer if you didn’t do those sorts of things in class. I understand that it must be hard, what you’re going through and everything, but please, keep things like that out of my classroom.” Mr. Montoya said as he sat at the edge of his desk.
“With all due respect, Mr. Montoya, I really don’t think you understand what I’m going through. You may have been through the same thing as me, I don’t know, but what I do know is that everyone has a different reaction to the same things.”
“Your right Ms. Johnson, but I hope you see where I am coming from when I ask you to try not to have an outburst in my class again.”
“Yes, Mr. Montoya.”
“Thank you, Ms. Johnson.” He said as he got off his desk and started to erase the bored. “You may go.”
“Bye, Mr. Montoya.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow Erika.”
I walked out of the classroom to find everyone standing there waiting for me.
“Is everything ok, Erika?” Lilly asked.
“Yeah, everything is fine. I got to get to the media center. I’ll see you guys around.” I said and made my way towards the elevator.
“Erika, wait up! I’ll catch up with you guys after class.” Jack said as he made his way towards me. “You’re still going to come to lunch with us tomorrow right?”
“No, I think I’m going to pass on that.”
“Why?”
“Well, for one I don’t want to be around a bunch of people treating me weird now that they know about the accident, and two Lucy and Laura apparently don’t like me.”
“They don’t like anyone, besides they aren’t coming to lunch with us anymore, and no one is going to treat you any differently. I promise we’re not all like Laura and Lucy.”
“I’ll think about it.” I said. I was about to walk into the media center but was stopped by Jack.
“Do you want a ride home today?”
“I’m not going home after school. I have somewhere else to go.”
“I can still drive you; just tell me how to get there.” I stood there and thought about it for a few minutes. “Come on, I won’t hurt you.”
“Sure, I can’t make a bigger fool of myself anyway.” I said with a small smile on my face.
“You haven’t made a fool of yourself quit yet.” Jack said as he walked backwards. “I’ll meet you in the guidance office? I have to check in with my mom.”
“Sure.” I laughed as Jack almost ran into a student.
*****
I walked into the guidance office and saw Jack sitting at the desk to the left of the door.
“Hey, I’ll be back in a second.”
“Ok.” I walked over to the chairs and was about to sit when I saw Mrs. Monroe come out of her office and gesture for me to come to her office. I made my way over and sat down in the seat next to Jack.
“Jack leave, I need to talk to Erika.”
“Ok, I’ll wait outside.” Jack stood up and walked out the door.
“You know don’t you?”
“Know what?”
“About Italian class.”
“Yes, Mr. Montoya came down and asked me why he didn’t know about the accident. So, why don’t you tell me what happened.”
“Well, this girl was starting this rumor that I was pregnant which is why I switched schools and I got a little mad and upset thinking about everything so I told her why I really switched schools. I really don’t need rumors about me on the my first day at a new school.”
“Ok, well try not to do that again, ok?”
“Yes, Ms. Monroe.”
“Alright, you can go, unless you want to talk about something.”
“No, I’m actually late. So I have to go.”
“Ok, well I’m here if you want to talk.”
“I already talk about it a lot.” I said as I stood and started to walk out of her office.
“What do you mean?”
“My mom sends me to a therapist, which is actually where I need to be right now.”
“Ok, well, I’ll see you later.”
“Bye, Ms. Monroe, thanks again.”
“It’s no problem, Erika.”
“You ready to go?” Jack asked.
“Yes.”
“Where to?” Jack asked once we got in the car.
*****
“Do you want me to wait for you?” Jack asked as he pulled up in front of the office building.
“No, I’ll catch a cab.”
“No, I can wait, it’s really no problem.”
“It’s up to you,” I looked at the clock and saw that I was a half an hour late. “I should be done in about a half an hour, if you want to wait.”
“I’ll come up just let me park real quick.”
Once he had parked I rushed inside and to Dr. Mathews’ office.
“You’re late.” Sarah, the receptionist said.
“I know, I know.”
“Go on in, his been waiting.”
“Why are you late?” Dr. Mathews asked as he got up from his desk and walked over to the chair as I sat down on the couch.
“I had to talk to my counselor about what happened in one of my classes.”
“What happened?”
“I told the whole class about the accident.”
“Isn’t that why you switched schools, you didn’t want people to know about the accident?”
“I didn’t mean to one of the girls in class was telling everyone I switched schools because I was pregnant.”
“Why was she saying that?”
“Because at lunch I threw up in the bathroom.”
“Why did you throw up in the bathroom?”
“Because I thought that was better than throwing up in front of everyone.” I said sarcastically.
“You know what I meant Erika, why did you throw up?”
“Because I heard a siren outside and the memory of the accident came back. It was like I was having that nightmare all over again.”
“Why don’t you tell me what happens in the nightmare.”
“I’m in the car with Craig, the night of the accident, we’re laughing about the things that happened early.” I stop and smile at that part of the memory. “Then I see the truck coming full speed at us.” I stop smiling. “Then it feels like I’m back in the car, and the car is rolling and spinning and it feels like it will never stop.” I look up at Dr. Mathews with tears in my eyes. “Then when the car finally stops, I look over at Craig and his neck, his neck is twisted and I start wishing and wishing that he would open his eyes and look at me, but he doesn’t. Then I see all the blood and I don’t know if it’s from me or him. And then I reach over to him and I say ‘Don't leave me, Craig, don't leave me, at least not yet please, I need you.’ And then I hear the sirens and I wake up. Except today I was awake the whole time. It all felt so real. I felt like I was back in the car waiting for someone to come get us and save us.”
Dr. Mathews sat there for a few minutes thinking everything through. “Does your dream ever start before that or continue after the sirens?”
“No, it always starts and ends in the same spot.” I said looking back down at my hands. “I went to his grave today.”
“Did you talk to him?”
“Yes.”
“What did you talk about?”
“I told him mom and dad got divorced, that dad wants me to come live with him, that I missed him. I told him that I felt like I was living in a nightmare. I told him how my dad had a new wife and a new son already, a month after he dies and he already has a replacement son. What kind of man does that?” I asked.
“I’m sure he’s not a replacement.”
“It sure seems like it.” I looked up at the clock and saw that it was four o’clock. “My time’s up.”
“Erika…”
“No, I actually fell better than I did. Can we make my appointment for tomorrow at four instead of three?”
“Yes, of course. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, maybe tomorrow will be better than today.”
“Ok Steve, I’ll tell her, but when it comes down to it, it’s her decision on what she wants to do and you can’t force her. You have to let her decide… Ok we’ll see you then.” My mom said as steadily as she could so she wouldn’t let him know she was crying.
“Why was dad calling? What does he want?” I asked hastily as I sat down across the table from my mom. My mom sat there trying to calm herself down before she looked up and answered me.
“Your father wants you to come live with him.” I opened my mouth to interrupt but my mom held up her hand before she continued, “It’s your choice, we have no say in what you want to do. Over spring break you will go to your father’s in California so you can see if you like it there. Then when you get back we will talk about it together and you will have to make your decision.”
“I already know what my decision is, I don’t want to go. Why did he wait a month before he decided he wanted me to live with him? He should have thought about that before he abandoned us and left for California. I don’t want to go over spring break. Besides I’d have to transfer schools for a totally of like 2 months then there would be summer and then I’d be coming back here for college. It’s stupid if you think about it.”
“I’m sorry but you at least have to go for a week so you can truly know what it will be like there.”
“If it’s my choice though I should get to decide if I go for a week? I already know what it will be like there. I don’t want to go.”
“I’m sorry honey, if it were my choice I wouldn’t make you but your father really wants you to go and meet his knew family.”
“His new family, his been gone a month and he already has a new family?”
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” We sat at the table for a few minutes in silence before she said anything. “How did it go with Dr. Matthew’s today?”
“He wants me to go visit his grave. He says it would be good for me.”
“Is that something you want to do?”
“I just feel like its too early, I need more time.”
“Ok, whatever you want. How did registration go?” My mom said as she stood and walked over to the freezer to look for food.
“Oh right, I got papers for you to fill out and sign.” I said as I turned in my seat to get the papers out of my bag.
“Does the school seem like a nice place?” She said as she moved about the kitchen getting things out. “How does grilled cheese and soup sound for dinner?”
“Good. The school seems nice.”
“Did you meet anyone?” I rolled my eyes, “Erika.”
“Yes, I met the guidance counselor and her son.”
“Do they seem nice?”
“Yes they do.”
My mom started to butter the bread before she said anything in return. “How’s you leg today?”
“A little sore.” I said as I started to get my crutches and go to my room before we started talking about the accident, it was too soon.
“Where are you going?”
“To my room, call me when dinner is ready.”
“Erika, why do you always walk away when we start to talk about the accident?”
“It’s too soon mom. Every time we start to talk you want to know what happened. All you want to know is why we were in the car. I can’t tell you that, not yet, it’s just too soon.” I said before I turned to go to my room.
“Erika.” I stopped and turned to my mom, “I’m sorry I just want to know why my son is gone and why my daughter is in so much pain.”
“Your son is dead because he was in an accident and your daughter is in so much pain because she lost her best friend and brother all in one night, and I don’t know why it had to happen to him. He didn’t deserve it.” I said before I went into my room.
*****
I walked down the hallway towards the guidance counselor’s office. “Hello again, here to see Mrs. Monroe?”
“Yes, I have some stuff to give her.”
“Ok, she’s in with a student right now but she’ll be done real soon. Just have a seat.”
I made my way over to the seat I sat in yesterday, but before I could sit down Mrs. Monroe’s office door opened and she stepped out with Jack laughing. She looked over and saw me standing there and smiled. “Erika, you have the paper work?”
“Yes.” I said as I got the papers out of my bag.
“Ok, well come have a seat in my office I want to talk to you real quick.”
“All right, well I should make my way to class. I’ll see you after school, mom.” Jack said as he gave his mom a kiss on the cheek and then walked to the door, “I’ll see you in class Erika.” He said before he walked out the door.
“What did you need to talk to me about?” I asked once I had sat down across from Mrs. Monroe.
“I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to all your teachers, and I want to give you a chance first before I do. You see I’m supposed to tell them just incase you get upset in class. You know something could remind you of your brother or of the accident it self and most students have a… How do I put this? A break down? They get upset during class and well, it’s just a precaution. I’m going to wait and tell your teachers. The first time you come down in the middle of class because of something related to the accident is when I will tell your teachers. Ok?”
“Yes, thank you, I really appreciate it. Oh, here are the papers.”
“Ok, that’s it; if you ever need to talk I’m here Erika.”
“Ok, thank you again.” I said before I got up and made my way towards first period, English.
I walked into the classroom late. The teacher looked over, she was a short, pudgy woman, who looked like she was in her mid- fifties maybe. Her hair was short and white, and her eyes were a chocolaty brown. She looked like a nice women. “May I help you with something?”
“I’m Erika, I’m new.”
“Oh yes, right, well I’m Miss. Pickerel. Let’s see, where can you sit? You can sit over by the window next to Anna. Anna can you raise your hand?” I looked over where the hand was coming from and started to make my way towards her. “Oh wait, while you’re up here why don’t you introduce yourself.” I gave her a confused look, “Tell us your name, if you moved into the city where from, why you moved into this school if your not new to the city you know stuff like that.”
“Ok, I’m Erika, I’m not new into town, I switched schools because… because,” I paused and looked around at everyone then the teacher, “I switched schools because my mom wanted me to.” I lied. I looked over at Miss. Pickerel, she nodded her head and I walked over the desk she told me to sit at.
“Hi, I’m Anna Davis.” I turned to my right and saw a skinny girl with wavy brown hair, silver eyes, and an oval shaped face.
“Erika.”
“Alright class…” Miss. Pickerel started to talk but I quickly zoned out and ignored her. I felt someone staring at me from behind so I turned around and saw Jack looking at me with a curious face, like he was trying to figure me out. I turned back towards the front of the classroom. I could already tell today was going to be a long day.
When the bell finally rang I took my time to get my crutches and bag before I started to make my way to my next class.
“Hey Erika,” I turned and saw Anna walking towards me, “What class do you have next?”
“Umm…I think its psychology.”
“Oh cool me too, I’ll walk with you.”
“Ok.” We started walking in the opposite direction that Jack had taken me yesterday.
“So, why did you really switch schools?”
“That’s not something I’m really comfortable talking about right now.”
“Oh sorry, I didn’t know it was so personal.”
“It’s ok.”
“Hey Erika!” I looked up and saw Jack waving to his friends and walking towards Anna and me. “I see you’ve met our class president.” He said as he put his arm around Anna’s shoulders.
“Jack, stop that.” Anna said as she brushed his arm off her shoulder. “How do you know my dear old brother?”
“Umm… He showed me to the front office yesterday.” I said a little confused. They had different last names.
“Were half siblings, different moms.”
“Then wouldn’t you have the same last name?”
“We are a confusing family.” Anna piped in.
“To say the least.” Jack added.
“Well, here you ladies are. I’ll see you two later.”
Nothing really happened in Psychology. My teacher, Ms. Lewis, was a petite, young teacher with long brown hair. All she did was say that they had a new student and told me to stand up and say hi. So, I liked her so far she was pretty cool. I paid attention this time and took notes and did the work. I actually new the stuff already I had learned it right before the accident.
The rest of the morning pretty much went along like that nothing major happened. I mean I found out that the way classes went was really weird. They have A- days and B- days, and the only difference between the two days is one class. So, what happens is this: I go to English from 7:15- 8:15, then Psychology from 8:25- 9:20, then I either have Calculus or Physics from 9:30- 10:25, then Photography from 10:35- 11:35, then I go to lunch from 11:45- 12:45, then I have Italian from 12:50- 1:50, lastly I go student aid in the media center from 2:00- 3:00. During Photography I had to see how all the equipment worked and all that kind of stuff so the teacher paired me with Jack.
“So, that’s how everything works. And we have like 5 minutes of class left so.” Jack said as he started to walk towards the classroom. “So, what are you doing for lunch?”
“Going to the cafeteria.”
“You should come to lunch with Anna and me.” Jack said before he looked at me and saw the hesitation on my face, “Come on you can meet some more people.”
“I’m not good around a group of people.” Just then the bell rang and Jack picked up my stuff and started walking away. “Jack what are you doing? I didn’t say yes.”
“Well I think you should come it would be good for you.” Jack said as we made our way towards each other.
“You might think that but I just… I can’t be around a large crowd.”
“Why not?”
“I just can’t ok?” I yelled at him. “I’m sorry I just… It’s too soon. God everything is too soon.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I just mean that whenever someone wants me to do something I always say it’s to soon.” I said as I took my bag from him and started to walk the opposite direction.
“Erika!” Jack yelled down the hall to me, I stopped and turned to look at him as he made his way towards me. “I don’t know what it is that has you so frazzled and upset and I’m not going to pester you into telling me, but what I do know is that you can’t hold back on life no matter what. You have to live life to the fullest, because, you never know if you’re going to be here tomorrow to make up for what you missed.”
“My brother used to tell me that all the time.” I laughed a little at the memories that flooded my mind.
“Did you ever listen to him?” Jack asked.
“Most of the time.” I said looking up at Jack.
“Are you going to listen to me?”
“I want to, but I really just think right now I need to be alone.”
“How about this, you come to lunch with me and my friends and if it is too much for you then I will take you where ever you want to go?” Jack asked with hope in his eyes.
“Ok.” I hesitated before answering.
“Awesome.” Jack replied before walking with me to his car.
*****
“Jack, man how’s it going? Who is this lovely lady?” A guy with flaming red hair and green eyes asked.
“Hey Mark, this is Erika, she’s new to the school.” Jack said taking a seat next to the guy and pulling out the seat next to him for me to sit in. “This goofball is Mark Daniels.” Jack said to me.
“I am not a goofball.” Mark said, “Nice to meet you Erika. Let me introduce you to everyone. Starting at the end of the table is Anna and her boyfriend Andrew, next to Andrew is Nick, next to him is our lovely friend Laura, next her is Lilly, and next to Lilly is Lee, then there is Chris. That's everyone. And everyone this is Erika." Mark said, and everyone else said 'hi' in response.
"Hey." I replied. Andrew had brown hair and brown eyes, but was tall and muscular but not too much. Nick had blond hair and blue eyes, he was short and wore glasses and was really skinny. Laura, Lilly, and Lee looked like there would be the plastics if the plastics were real. Chris looked like one of those cocky jocks.
"Are you new to New York?" Lilly asked.
"No."
"Then why did you switch schools?" Laura asked.
"That's none of your business you guys. If she wanted you to no she would tell you." Anna said before looking over at me. I mouthed 'thank you' before I looked down at my hands.
"What did you get kicked out of your old school or something?" Lee asked. Everyone became extremely quiet waiting for my answer. When I didn't say anything there was a collective gasp. "Oh my gosh, you got kicked out of your school."
"Why?" Nick asked.
"You guys stop. Anna’s right, if Erika wanted to share she would." Jack said.
"What we are just trying to get to know the new kid." Laura said.
"Stop talking about her like she isn't sitting there you guys." Andrew said. "I'm sorry; sometimes we don't know how to be polite to other people."
"No it's fine, I understand the curiosity." I said smiling over at him. Everyone was quiet for a few seconds before they started one big conversation about the weekend that broke off into a bunch of little conversations. I sat in my seat thinking about everything, when I heard it. I heard the siren.
"I called her on the phone and she touched herself, she touched herself, she touched herself. I called her on the phone and she touched herself, I laughed myself to sleep." Craig and I sang while we drove down the highway on the way home from our friend, Martin's, New Year's Eve party.
"You are one of the best sisters a guy could ask for." Craig said as he turned the music down so we could talk.
"You're a pretty good older brother." I said nonchalantly. Craig looked over at me and then playfully punched my arm. "I'm just kidding; you're the best brother a girl could ask for." I said. "Besides what did I do tonight that was that great?" I asked.
"You saved me from our father and mother, and you also stopped me from making a fool of myself."
"Oh yeah! That was really funny; I can't believe you almost made out with the cat. Maybe you shouldn't be driving if you were that drunk." I laughed.
"I'm sober now, but I'm not so sure about you." Craig replied.
"You're probably right I am a little drunk." I laughed again. Craig started laughing as I looked out the window, and that's when I saw it, that's when I saw the truck coming full speed at us honking its horn. "Craig! Watch out!" I yelled trying to get his attention, he stopped laughing and looked over at me and that's when it happened.
I felt the car get pushed to the right and then the car jerk and spin so that the driver side was facing the truck and then the car started to roll and kept rolling, when it finally stopped the car was upright. I looked over at Craig and saw his eyes closed and his neck twisted around; it wasn't supposed to be that way. I tried to reach over and touch him and when I finally did get a hold on his hand I heard the sirens of the ambulance rushing towards us.
"Don't leave me, Craig, don't leave me, at least not yet please, I need you." I whispered before I blacked out.
I put my hand to my mouth at the memory and rushed to the bathroom where I threw up. I flushed the toilet and leaned against the side of the stall making sure there wasn't going to be a second round. I heard the bathroom door open and a female voice ask if I was ok, I stood up and walked out of the stall and over to the sink and rinsed my mouth out. When I looked up at my reflection in the mirror I saw Anna standing behind me with a look of concern on her face.
"Is everything alright?" Anna asked as she dug into her purse and pulled out a piece of gum before handing it to me.
"Thank you." I replied before taking the gum.
"Do you want to talk about anything?"
"Not really." I said near tears remembering everything from that night.
"Dose it have anything to do with why you moved to the school?"
"It has everything to do with why I moved to the school. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm really not, but I just can't talk about it. I don't want to be treated any differently then I already am. I'm sorry"
"It's ok, I totally understand. Come on; let's get back out there, everyone got really worried about you when you ran off." Anna said as she took my hand and pulled me out of the bathroom and over to the table before letting go and sitting in the chair she had been sitting in before. I walked over to my seat next to Jack and was about to sit down, when I realized I couldn't do this. I needed to start to move on. Everyone was right; I needed to stop living in the past.
"I'm going to go." I said to Jack.
"Ok, I'll take you back to school." He said standing up and putting some money on the table. "I'll see you guys later."
"No, Jack you stay, I'll be fine. I'll just get a cab, besides I'm not going back to school quite yet."
"Yes, but this was the deal, if it was too much for you than I would take you where ever you wanted to go, besides there's still a half an hour left of lunch." Jack said making his was outside to his car. "So, where to?"
"The graveyard a few blocks from school." I said a little hesitant before answering him.
*****
I got out of the car with Jack and started to walk down the pathway towards Craig’s grave. When I got to it I stood in the pathway looking at the headstone.
“Do you want me to wait in the car?” Jack asked from my side.
“No, just… can you wait right here? If you want to go back to the car you can.” I replied turning to him.
“No, I’ll wait here, its fine. Take all the time you need.”
“Thanks.” I said, then walked over to the gravestone and kneeled down right in front of it.
I sat there staring at the headstone for a few minutes before I started to trace the letters on the headstone. ‘Craig Johnson, 1988- 2009, beloved son, brother, and friend’.
“I miss you so much. Why did you have to go and leave me here by myself?” I cried into my hands. “You know mom and dad got a divorce, you always said they would.” I whispered looking up at his name crying, “He lives in California now, he wants me to go visit him and his new ‘family’ over spring break. What he really wants is for me to go live with him. I don’t get it though, I’ve already had to transfer schools and now he wants me to transfer again for what, 2 months? It’s stupid.” I paused and looked around me at the other headstones with flowers on them. “I’m sorry I haven’t been to talk to you, it’s just really hard. I keep wishing that it’s all a bad dream and I’ll wake up from it tomorrow.” My cell started vibrating in my pocket. “Mom’s calling. I promise I will come back soon.” I kissed the tips of my fingers and then placed them to his name.
“Hey mom, why are you calling?” I asked still sitting in front of Craig’s gravestone.
“I knew you were at lunch and wanted to know how your day was going so far.” My mom said.
“It could be better.” I said standing up and walking back over to Jack.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” She asked getting worried.
“Nothing, I’ll tell you about it when you get home.”
“You ready to go back to school?” Jack asked me quietly.
“Yes, mom I got to go, I’ll talk to you later ok?” I asked.
“Yeah, of course, I love you, Erika.”
“Love you too, mom.” I said before hanging up and getting in the car.
“So, is there any chance you’ll come to lunch tomorrow?” Jack asked.
“Yeah, I’d like to if it’s ok with everyone.”
“I think everyone would really like you to come with us.”
“Sorry I ruined your lunch hour.” I apologized looking down at my hands.
“You didn’t, promise.” Jack said smiling at me for a quick second before turning back to the road.
When we got back to the school we got out of the car and started to walk to class. He started to turn to go to the stairs when he realized I wasn’t following him.
“Sorry, I forgot.” Jack said walking back over to me then towards the elevator.
“It’s ok, I’m sure I would if I weren’t using them.”
“When do you get off crutches?” He asked as we got on the elevator.
“A week, I personally can’t wait till I’m off crutches. They’re really annoying.” Jack laughed and I smiled at his laugh. His laugh was really contagious.
“You have a really pretty smile.” He said as the elevator doors opened. I stood there for a minute looking him in the eye, before I realized the doors were open.
“Thanks, oh and thanks for taking me to the graveyard.”
“It was no problem.” He closed his mouth than opened it again to say something else but than closed his mouth once again changing his mind.
We walked into the classroom and saw that the classroom was practically empty. There were probably 5 people in the classroom.
“What time is it?” I asked as I took a seat at one of the desks in the back of the room with Jack.
“It’s just 12:45 now, so everyone should be here soon.”
“Everyone?”
“Oh yeah, Mark, Mick, Andrew, Chris, Anna, Laura, Lilly, and Lee are all in this class to. Sometimes it’s really great having your mom as a school guidance counselor.” Jack laughed.
“Hi Jack.” A girl with brown hair and rosy cheeks said as she walked in.
“Hey, Mary.” Jack smiled and waved to the girl.
“It was so funny.” I heard some girl from outside the classroom say. “I can’t believe she just got up and ran to the bathroom. She probably threw up. Didn’t you see her put her hand to her mouth to, like, stop herself or something.” The girl walked into the classroom and I saw that it was Laura. “Maybe she’s pregnant and that’s why she switched schools.”
I looked straight ahead of me towards the door. I could feel Jack staring at me and everyone else in the group that walked staring at me, Laura and Lucy laughed the others looked concerned.
“Come on you guys that was funny.” Laura continued laughing until she turned around and saw me sitting at the desk behind Jack.
“Alright everyone please take your seats.” The teacher said as he pushed past everyone standing at the door.
Anna, Lilly, Andrew, Mark, Chris, and Nick took the remanding seat directly around which forced Laura and Lucy to sit on the other side of the room.
“I understand we have a new student to the class, Erika Johnson. Why don’t you stand up and tell us about yourself?” The teacher said. He was tall man with graying hair.
“My name’s Erika,” I paused and took a deep breath trying to recover from what had happened only moments ago. “I’ve lived in the city my whole life.” I stopped trying to get what Laura said out of my head but couldn’t, “Do you want to know the real reason why I transferred schools?” I asked Laura directly. “My brother and I were in a car accident. That’s what the broken leg is from. He died, and I survived. I missed too much school in the mourning of his death so they kicked me out.” I turned and looked at everyone else in my class, “They thought I couldn’t catch up on all the work I missed.” I looked back at Laura, “Now you don’t have to go spreading rumors. Now you know the real story.” I sat back down in my seat and looked at my teacher. Everyone was silent until the teacher recovered and started to teach the class.
When the bell rang I sat in my seat until everyone but Anna, Lilly, Andrew, Nick, Mark, Chris, and Jack were still there, waiting for me to stand I assumed.
“Is what you said the truth? Were you really in a car accident?” Nick asked.
“Nick! What kind of question is that? Do you think she would lie about something like that?” Anna exclaimed.
“Yeah, it’s all true.” I said getting my crutches and making my way towards the door.
“Ms. Johnson, can you please stay a minute so I can talk to you?” Mr. Montoya asked.
“Yes.” I said turning and looking at my teacher.
“The six of you can wait outside for her if you would like.”
“Ok.” Nick said.
“See you tomorrow, Mr. Montoya.” Chris said.
“Ms. Johnson, I would prefer if you didn’t do those sorts of things in class. I understand that it must be hard, what you’re going through and everything, but please, keep things like that out of my classroom.” Mr. Montoya said as he sat at the edge of his desk.
“With all due respect, Mr. Montoya, I really don’t think you understand what I’m going through. You may have been through the same thing as me, I don’t know, but what I do know is that everyone has a different reaction to the same things.”
“Your right Ms. Johnson, but I hope you see where I am coming from when I ask you to try not to have an outburst in my class again.”
“Yes, Mr. Montoya.”
“Thank you, Ms. Johnson.” He said as he got off his desk and started to erase the bored. “You may go.”
“Bye, Mr. Montoya.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow Erika.”
I walked out of the classroom to find everyone standing there waiting for me.
“Is everything ok, Erika?” Lilly asked.
“Yeah, everything is fine. I got to get to the media center. I’ll see you guys around.” I said and made my way towards the elevator.
“Erika, wait up! I’ll catch up with you guys after class.” Jack said as he made his way towards me. “You’re still going to come to lunch with us tomorrow right?”
“No, I think I’m going to pass on that.”
“Why?”
“Well, for one I don’t want to be around a bunch of people treating me weird now that they know about the accident, and two Lucy and Laura apparently don’t like me.”
“They don’t like anyone, besides they aren’t coming to lunch with us anymore, and no one is going to treat you any differently. I promise we’re not all like Laura and Lucy.”
“I’ll think about it.” I said. I was about to walk into the media center but was stopped by Jack.
“Do you want a ride home today?”
“I’m not going home after school. I have somewhere else to go.”
“I can still drive you; just tell me how to get there.” I stood there and thought about it for a few minutes. “Come on, I won’t hurt you.”
“Sure, I can’t make a bigger fool of myself anyway.” I said with a small smile on my face.
“You haven’t made a fool of yourself quit yet.” Jack said as he walked backwards. “I’ll meet you in the guidance office? I have to check in with my mom.”
“Sure.” I laughed as Jack almost ran into a student.
*****
I walked into the guidance office and saw Jack sitting at the desk to the left of the door.
“Hey, I’ll be back in a second.”
“Ok.” I walked over to the chairs and was about to sit when I saw Mrs. Monroe come out of her office and gesture for me to come to her office. I made my way over and sat down in the seat next to Jack.
“Jack leave, I need to talk to Erika.”
“Ok, I’ll wait outside.” Jack stood up and walked out the door.
“You know don’t you?”
“Know what?”
“About Italian class.”
“Yes, Mr. Montoya came down and asked me why he didn’t know about the accident. So, why don’t you tell me what happened.”
“Well, this girl was starting this rumor that I was pregnant which is why I switched schools and I got a little mad and upset thinking about everything so I told her why I really switched schools. I really don’t need rumors about me on the my first day at a new school.”
“Ok, well try not to do that again, ok?”
“Yes, Ms. Monroe.”
“Alright, you can go, unless you want to talk about something.”
“No, I’m actually late. So I have to go.”
“Ok, well I’m here if you want to talk.”
“I already talk about it a lot.” I said as I stood and started to walk out of her office.
“What do you mean?”
“My mom sends me to a therapist, which is actually where I need to be right now.”
“Ok, well, I’ll see you later.”
“Bye, Ms. Monroe, thanks again.”
“It’s no problem, Erika.”
“You ready to go?” Jack asked.
“Yes.”
“Where to?” Jack asked once we got in the car.
*****
“Do you want me to wait for you?” Jack asked as he pulled up in front of the office building.
“No, I’ll catch a cab.”
“No, I can wait, it’s really no problem.”
“It’s up to you,” I looked at the clock and saw that I was a half an hour late. “I should be done in about a half an hour, if you want to wait.”
“I’ll come up just let me park real quick.”
Once he had parked I rushed inside and to Dr. Mathews’ office.
“You’re late.” Sarah, the receptionist said.
“I know, I know.”
“Go on in, his been waiting.”
“Why are you late?” Dr. Mathews asked as he got up from his desk and walked over to the chair as I sat down on the couch.
“I had to talk to my counselor about what happened in one of my classes.”
“What happened?”
“I told the whole class about the accident.”
“Isn’t that why you switched schools, you didn’t want people to know about the accident?”
“I didn’t mean to one of the girls in class was telling everyone I switched schools because I was pregnant.”
“Why was she saying that?”
“Because at lunch I threw up in the bathroom.”
“Why did you throw up in the bathroom?”
“Because I thought that was better than throwing up in front of everyone.” I said sarcastically.
“You know what I meant Erika, why did you throw up?”
“Because I heard a siren outside and the memory of the accident came back. It was like I was having that nightmare all over again.”
“Why don’t you tell me what happens in the nightmare.”
“I’m in the car with Craig, the night of the accident, we’re laughing about the things that happened early.” I stop and smile at that part of the memory. “Then I see the truck coming full speed at us.” I stop smiling. “Then it feels like I’m back in the car, and the car is rolling and spinning and it feels like it will never stop.” I look up at Dr. Mathews with tears in my eyes. “Then when the car finally stops, I look over at Craig and his neck, his neck is twisted and I start wishing and wishing that he would open his eyes and look at me, but he doesn’t. Then I see all the blood and I don’t know if it’s from me or him. And then I reach over to him and I say ‘Don't leave me, Craig, don't leave me, at least not yet please, I need you.’ And then I hear the sirens and I wake up. Except today I was awake the whole time. It all felt so real. I felt like I was back in the car waiting for someone to come get us and save us.”
Dr. Mathews sat there for a few minutes thinking everything through. “Does your dream ever start before that or continue after the sirens?”
“No, it always starts and ends in the same spot.” I said looking back down at my hands. “I went to his grave today.”
“Did you talk to him?”
“Yes.”
“What did you talk about?”
“I told him mom and dad got divorced, that dad wants me to come live with him, that I missed him. I told him that I felt like I was living in a nightmare. I told him how my dad had a new wife and a new son already, a month after he dies and he already has a replacement son. What kind of man does that?” I asked.
“I’m sure he’s not a replacement.”
“It sure seems like it.” I looked up at the clock and saw that it was four o’clock. “My time’s up.”
“Erika…”
“No, I actually fell better than I did. Can we make my appointment for tomorrow at four instead of three?”
“Yes, of course. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, maybe tomorrow will be better than today.”