“Mom I’m home.” I called into the apartment as I walked in.
“Honey we need to talk. Can you come into the kitchen for a few minutes?” My mom called back to me.
“What do you need to talk to me about?” I asked as I walked into the kitchen where I saw my mom making dinner.
“Take a seat honey,” I sat down at the island counter, “Your school called, you’ve missed too much school and they won’t let you finish the school year with them.”
“Ok? And your point is?” I asked. I really didn’t like my school or the people there. They knew what happened and my friends, well, they didn’t treat me the same since the incident. Everyone looked at me with sympathy and sorrow. I hated it there.
“You’re not upset? Now you have to start at a new school, just for the last semester of your senior year.”
“I don’t care; I’ll start a new school.” I got up and started for my bedroom, “A fresh start.” I said under my breath so she couldn’t here me.
*****
I walked into Dr. Mathews’ office the next day trying to think of a way to get out of this. There was no possible way; I had to continue to go till Dr. Mathews thought I was ok and not depressed or anything.
“Good morning Erika, how was your evening last night?” He asked as I made my way to the couch.
“Like any other evening.”
“And what do they entail?” He asked as he wrote stuff down on his clip board.
That really bugged me about therapists; they are always writing on their clip boards. I feel like they aren’t listening and there just doodling on the paper or something. I don’t blame them I mean, who wants to listen to someone else’s problems. I know I wouldn’t.
“I go home and normally go to my room until dinner; I eat and then go back to my room.”
He looked up at me, “You don’t spend time with your mother?”
“No, all she wants to do is talk about is the accident.” He started to write on the clip board again.
“Do people ask you if you miss Craig?”
"What kind of question is that?”
“Please, just answer the question.”
“Yes, almost everyone does.”
“How do you reply to them?” I looked at him with disbelief, “answer the question.”
“I don’t answer.”
“What do you do then?” I looked down at my hands and closed my eyes to try and stop the tears.
“I close my eyes,” I opened my eyes and looked at Dr. Mathews; “I close my eyes walk away and whisper to myself so much.”
“Why don’t you just answer them with that?”
“Because it hurts so much. I wish everyday I could go back in time and be the one.”
“Be the one that what?” Dr. Mathews pushed on.
“Be the one that died, He didn’t deserve to die. God I wish he were here.”
“It hasn’t been that long since he passed away.”
“Missing someone isn’t about how long it’s been since you’ve seen them last or the amount of time since you’ve talked, it’s about that very moment you’re doing something and you wish,” I chocked back the tears I could feel rimming my eye, threatening to spill, “You wish that they were right there with you.”
“You make a good point.”
“I just wish I could go back in time and change everything. I just can’t stop thinking about this, what happens if I never stop thinking about this and I miss something that could change everything?”
“Someone once told me that we should live in the moment, and act on what we want before it‘s too late. I’m not saying that you should forget him or what happened; just that you need to try and remember you still have a life to live.” Dr. Mathews put his clipboard down and looked me in the eye, “Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, and be weird. Go out and screw up. You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human.”
“What is if can’t though.”
“Just try,” I nodded and looked down at my hands again. “Have you gone to visit his grave since the funeral?”
“No, it’s too hard, too soon.”
“I think it would be good for you if you went.”
“Dr. Mathews, your next patient is here.” Sarah said over the intercom. I got up, grabbed my crutches and went to the door, but was stopped once my hand hit the door knob.
“Alright Erika, I will see you tomorrow at the same time.” I turned around to look at Dr. Mathews
“I can’t be here at the same time tomorrow.”
“Why not?”
“I start my new school tomorrow. I actually have to go and register today.” Dr. Mathews walked over to his desk.
“Alright can you come here after school tomorrow then?”
“I can be here by 3 tomorrow.”
“Ok then I will see you here at 3 o’clock.” Dr. Mathews said as he wrote something down.
“Ok”
“Honey we need to talk. Can you come into the kitchen for a few minutes?” My mom called back to me.
“What do you need to talk to me about?” I asked as I walked into the kitchen where I saw my mom making dinner.
“Take a seat honey,” I sat down at the island counter, “Your school called, you’ve missed too much school and they won’t let you finish the school year with them.”
“Ok? And your point is?” I asked. I really didn’t like my school or the people there. They knew what happened and my friends, well, they didn’t treat me the same since the incident. Everyone looked at me with sympathy and sorrow. I hated it there.
“You’re not upset? Now you have to start at a new school, just for the last semester of your senior year.”
“I don’t care; I’ll start a new school.” I got up and started for my bedroom, “A fresh start.” I said under my breath so she couldn’t here me.
*****
I walked into Dr. Mathews’ office the next day trying to think of a way to get out of this. There was no possible way; I had to continue to go till Dr. Mathews thought I was ok and not depressed or anything.
“Good morning Erika, how was your evening last night?” He asked as I made my way to the couch.
“Like any other evening.”
“And what do they entail?” He asked as he wrote stuff down on his clip board.
That really bugged me about therapists; they are always writing on their clip boards. I feel like they aren’t listening and there just doodling on the paper or something. I don’t blame them I mean, who wants to listen to someone else’s problems. I know I wouldn’t.
“I go home and normally go to my room until dinner; I eat and then go back to my room.”
He looked up at me, “You don’t spend time with your mother?”
“No, all she wants to do is talk about is the accident.” He started to write on the clip board again.
“Do people ask you if you miss Craig?”
"What kind of question is that?”
“Please, just answer the question.”
“Yes, almost everyone does.”
“How do you reply to them?” I looked at him with disbelief, “answer the question.”
“I don’t answer.”
“What do you do then?” I looked down at my hands and closed my eyes to try and stop the tears.
“I close my eyes,” I opened my eyes and looked at Dr. Mathews; “I close my eyes walk away and whisper to myself so much.”
“Why don’t you just answer them with that?”
“Because it hurts so much. I wish everyday I could go back in time and be the one.”
“Be the one that what?” Dr. Mathews pushed on.
“Be the one that died, He didn’t deserve to die. God I wish he were here.”
“It hasn’t been that long since he passed away.”
“Missing someone isn’t about how long it’s been since you’ve seen them last or the amount of time since you’ve talked, it’s about that very moment you’re doing something and you wish,” I chocked back the tears I could feel rimming my eye, threatening to spill, “You wish that they were right there with you.”
“You make a good point.”
“I just wish I could go back in time and change everything. I just can’t stop thinking about this, what happens if I never stop thinking about this and I miss something that could change everything?”
“Someone once told me that we should live in the moment, and act on what we want before it‘s too late. I’m not saying that you should forget him or what happened; just that you need to try and remember you still have a life to live.” Dr. Mathews put his clipboard down and looked me in the eye, “Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, and be weird. Go out and screw up. You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human.”
“What is if can’t though.”
“Just try,” I nodded and looked down at my hands again. “Have you gone to visit his grave since the funeral?”
“No, it’s too hard, too soon.”
“I think it would be good for you if you went.”
“Dr. Mathews, your next patient is here.” Sarah said over the intercom. I got up, grabbed my crutches and went to the door, but was stopped once my hand hit the door knob.
“Alright Erika, I will see you tomorrow at the same time.” I turned around to look at Dr. Mathews
“I can’t be here at the same time tomorrow.”
“Why not?”
“I start my new school tomorrow. I actually have to go and register today.” Dr. Mathews walked over to his desk.
“Alright can you come here after school tomorrow then?”
“I can be here by 3 tomorrow.”
“Ok then I will see you here at 3 o’clock.” Dr. Mathews said as he wrote something down.
“Ok”